Art Can Sell

Dear John

2011-03-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

I miss writing. Every day I have ideas of some wort ricocheting around in my skull and haven't the time to sit down and write.

But I just wrote something... there's hope for me yet.

The Prize Vault

2010-02-06T13:50:00.001-08:00

I was thinking today about contests. Whatever happened to those unique prizes that everyone was so excited about, they gave up their hard earned 5 cents, or whatever postage was at the time to enter the contest.

Back in the early 80s, I had a subscription to the Greene County News, a newspaper out of the Catskill NY region. One of the highlights (for me anyway) was a picture of a spaceship along the side of Route 66 in Ghent NY. The story is that it was a prize in a cereal contest in the 50s or 60s. The ‘spaceship’ was built on a semi truck trailer’s chassis, so that is how it was delivered. Somehow it made it to Ghent, to a car repair shop and there the story ends. I’ve been by this shop hundreds of times, and one of these days in the near future I’m going to stop and inquire about the spaceship. I think it would be a really cool thing to own.

I remember this contest, and the group, so whatever happened to the Raspberries Rolls? How long would someone drive this car before selling it, or painting it?

But the neatest thing for me to drive would be the wiener mobile, for the obvious reason my name is Frank.

Wilkesbarrians and biorythms.

2009-12-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

I think I’m becoming a Wilkesbarrian.

Back in the mid 1990s, I worked for Domino’s Pizza delivering to the stores in the area. One of my routes took me to Pennsylvania.

After spending the night at a motel, I started the second half of my route around 1 AM. My first stop was the store on Pennsylvania Ave in Wilkes-Barre. After making my stop, I always wandered over to the Mr. Donut (now a Dunkin), which was open all night, for my first hot cup of coffee. There were always the same people sitting in the donut shop, numbering from 5 to maybe 12 staring blankly out the window, reading a book, or just watching their coffee swirl. In the two years I did that route, the same people were always there- winter, summer, fall and spring. The weather didn’t matter either, it could be snowing or in the middle of a sweet summer thunderstorm, those folks always were there. I found out gradually, that they were people who work odd hours, mostly third shifters, some all night delivery truck drivers, whose biorhythms never readjusted to daytime hours. Most of these patrons were retired or unemployed, and shared their nights of sleepless hell with each other, not communicating their aguish with words, but with just unspoken companionship.

I called them Wilkesbarrians. Most of the people in my circle, after explaining the term for the first time, understand when I call a person a Wilkesbarrian.

I mean no disrespect for those folks. It seems like a lot of people worked odd hours out there in the Wyoming Valley of PA, more than any other area that I went to. That’s why I coined that term, rather than anything else. I don’t know if there is an official term for those people who reside in that area, but Wilkesbarrian seems fine to me.

The past week I’ve been on vacation. I like NOT getting up at midnight and during my time off I generally slept until 4 or 5 AM, late for my standards, but early for the rest of the population. Around mid Wednesday, I developed a crippling headache. I still am dealing with this, even after taking many remedies for headaches. I remember back on my spring vacation, the same thing happened. I don’t know if it’s the sudden shift in sleeping hours, I try and stay up later than normal, but the headaches still find me. I think it’s a shift in my biorhythms, my body is telling something. I’m becoming a Wilkesbarrian.

~Baby needs a new pair of pants~

2009-03-04T01:28:00.000-08:00

I finally bought a pair. Yep I did. In these uncertain economic times I spent cash frivolously on a pair of pants that I might not wear. I had a pair of these when I was a kid:

I only paid 25 bucks for them, but I've wanted a pair for a long time. My brother was working on my car at his dealership a few months ago and mentioned that he had seen a clip of an old NASCAR race and one of the racing car's pit crews were wearing these Coke pants. I'm going to freak him out and wear them into his dealership soon, when it gets a little warmer outside, as they are very light cotton and I don't want my legs turning blue.

Also I think they would be a great prop costume in a movie. I'm writing/wrote some emotional short film scripts, and if I ever get someone to finance/direct/sponsor/read one of them, these pants would make a great statement in one of them. I try and balance sad emotional stuff with sight gags that are absurdly ridiculous, so in that vain, these are perfect.

~~~~~And in a footnote- I got a note from the Ebay seller and she had a pair of these with the writing in French and offered the pair to me cheap. So now I have a cool French pair to strut around Paris (Or Montreal) in.

Can't pick your relatives~~~~~~~~

2009-01-31T13:14:00.000-08:00

My grandmother was nuts.

She insisted that we are direct descendants of Marie Antoinette. How? I thought her whole family was killed. I have tried to find proof to this but I have not yet, so I am skeptical.

But my dad's younger sister died when she was 14 or so. I don't know why, but it must have been quite a burden on my grandmother. But she searched and finally adopted a girl about the same age as my late aunt, and even (the weird part) with the same initials as my Aunt Gladys. So Gloria Mae Wheaton became Gloria Mae Galpin.

I;m trying to get my head wrapped around this book I want to write on trucking- write what you know is what people tell me. So this morning I remembered a box of stuff up in my attic that had pictures of my grandfather standing next to his 'new' trucks in the 1920s and 1930s and thought they might be a cool addition to my book.

While searching through this box of junk this morning, deposited and not moved since my grandmother died in 1996, I found a rather curious envelope that I had missed almost 13 years ago now. It was a letter with a lawyer's return address on it, and in the envelope there was a few legal papers and another envelope.

In the smaller envelope was a letter from my adopted aunt Gloria, along with pictures of her grand kids dated 1980. It was a short note, explaining who was who, but the gist of the note was plea for her birth certificate, since she never got it when she fled from my nutty grandmother when she was old enough to leave. In the larger envelope was an adoption letter, making Gloria my grandparents adopted child and thus changing her surname to Galpin.

I live about 65 miles from where my grandmother lived and while she was alive, was fortunate that a neighbor who she had known since HE was a boy, checked in on her and looked out after her in my absence. After she died, Tom, the neighbor, and I talked a lot and he remembered Gloria as a beautiful girl, very popular at school and quite out of place in my grandparent's home. My dad was away in the Navy, so Gloria was the only one left at home, and Tom said as soon as she was able to, left because (as he said) my grandmother tried to make Gloria Gladys.

Why my grandmother never sent these papers to her is beyond me, but I remember in my grandmother's will Gloria was to get nothing, and she went out of her way to word it so. She even mentioned Gloria's three know surnames: Galpin,Wheaton and her married name Accettulla.She even mentioned my older brother, whom I never have met, but that's not the point here.

So, I have been doing a web search for my adopted aunt to try and get in touch with her to send these papers to her. The letter to my grandmother has a Pittsburgh PA address on it, so I have found someone in PA with her name, and I hope she is still alive so I can send a letter to her and hope she is the right one.

So anyone knowing a Gloria Accettulla in Pittsburgh, tell her that her adopted brother Eddie's son has the papers she was needing almost 30 years ago.

I'm off to mail a letter to Pittsburgh. Maybe I can get to meet her before she passes on, because she must be quite elderly by this time.

A bird in the hand makes a mess....

2009-01-25T12:13:00.000-08:00

Has anyone read this article about the trial in Nigeria where a goat was put on trial for stealing a car. Supposedly, while being apprehended, one of the suspects turned his back on police and used black magic to turn into a goat. The goat was put on trial and paraded in front of the jury.

So I was thinking I should get some business cards made up and buy two dozen canaries. The cards would read something like I was a purveyor of black magic. I could then go on a crime spree and leave a canary and a card at every crime scene and the cops would think that I turned myself into the canary. Ha ha ha!

In other news, see the new Dunkin' Donuts logo?
It reminds me of a goofy alien face:

I wonder where she works and I'll bet she gets a lot of tips.

She said she was barren~as she gave birth to my child~

2009-01-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

...But I am now. Creatively, that is. So in honor of my dry spell, I'm posting two creations from my former website, balonie-factorie.

This next one is called Mail Prostitutes:

This last "cartoon" is available as a t-shirt or mug at my store. Buy a ton of them and make me rich. Buy ten or more and I'll buy YOU lunch, wherever you are. Such a deal!

A sad anniversary---

2009-01-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

I can’t believe it’s been a year. A year has passed since I lost my little buddy. My original tribute is here.

A lot has happened in this year. I worked almost every day from June until October, but that doesn’t mean Tiggy was out of my mind. Quite the contrary.

The little cat must have had some kind of telepathy, he always seemed to know when I had a bad day, as he would greet me by the door with one of his “Meooorrww” and I would pick him up and my bad day would melt away. On good days, he wouldn’t even move from the comfort of his sleeping place, wherever that was at that time, and I would pass him by and he would wink just one eye at me, as if to say, “You didn’t need me, today did you.” But he would always make sure I was in bed and then come and snuggle.

My father died when I was 18, my mother left soon after making me fend for myself and my younger brother, and then she died when I was in my early 40s, but I shed more tears and felt more emotion over this little cat than I did the passing of my own parents. It’s weird how someone can get so emotionally attached to a pet and I did, most likely because of what happened to me when I was younger. My children miss him as much as I do; he was some sort of super spirit, so it’s just not me mourning this day.

So I will always mourn May 10, the day my dad passed, May 17, the day my mom died and most importantly January 14, the day my best friend died.

~Sex and the street sign~

2009-01-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

Here are some stories told with street signs:

First:Second story is a story about.. well...
And the final story.....

When a woman:

Meets a man:
They jump into bed and.....:

How many women fantasize about having two men at once?

Clay Aiken and partner:

Clay and partner on the beach a little sunburned:

I won't even venture a guess on this one:

"Doc I went out with a skanky woman about three weeks ago and now I have this:"

"Hey Doc the medicine worked, but now it's on the other side:"

"Ouch! I'm stuck in my zipper!"

"Oh my, you're HUGE!" she said.

whew!

2008-12-26T12:46:00.000-08:00

I bought and downloaded this album a few months ago- and with that came a CD sent to me. I finally got around to listening to it in its entirety on the way to work early this morning, and let me tell you:
THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING RECORD I HAVE EVER HEARD!

In my 51 years, I've heard plenty, but the way this guy mashed familiar rock standards with some rap is amazing. It's titled Feed The Animals by A guy who calls himself Girl Talk. Go figure!

Another amazing record is this one:

Just for the historical content alone.

Buy both, you won't be sorry.

Ho-ho-ho-hum===

2008-12-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

I worked last night- I have to be at work a little after midnight tonight, so my Christmas has been spent watching TV and sleeping. Exciting life I lead.

BUT! In conversing with my brother this past week we were reminiscing about the cars our dad had while we were growing up and the subject of our Jeep was broached.

We had a '64. Funny it was the favorite car of both of us. And both my brother and I have never even owned one- they made these Jeeps up until 1991 too.

My second favorite car my dad owned, and maybe even tied with the Jeep for my favorite is the '65 VW bus we had.
The VW love must have stayed with me, because this is my latest ride:

Yes, this is at my brother's car dealership- I bought the car from him.

Hope everyone's Christmas was better than mine!

I can't age.

2008-12-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

I took this quiz last year and nothing has changed in a year.. I'm still 25 in New York.

My New York age is "25"

This New York age puts you-generally speaking-into the young category. That's what you were hoping for, right? Run and tell your friends. Then get drunk (as usual). Then sleep it off. Then pop an Adderall. Then come back and consider experimenting with a more mature type of New York life (just once in a while). Have you ever been to the Village Vanguard or the Living Theatre? Eaten at Elaine's? Taken a date to Michael Feinstein? Before you laugh, check 'em out and see what old-school NYC experiences you can add to the new.

What's your New York age? Take the Time Out New York quiz and find out!

My buddy===

2008-12-14T04:23:00.000-08:00

I saw an old friend yesterday. I stop on the Massachusetts Turnpike quite often at the Sturbridge rest area. In the men’s room there is this tile. I first saw this tile about 3 years ago. Do you see anything?

Now?

How about now?

I named him Harry, because he looks like a Harry and because I’m harried when I stop to use the facilities.

It’s almost like looking at cloud formations. Maybe.

Thanksgivng yearly post====

2008-11-27T15:29:00.000-08:00

By popular demand (well one person) I repost my Thanksgiving Visit story I wrote in 1998. Enjoy!

Thanksgiving Visit

I made my usual visit to my parents on Thanksgiving. It was a cold and rainy day when I walked down the hill for my meeting. Today, I could combine my yearly Thanksgiving talks. This was the first Thanksgiving in twenty-two years that my parents were together. The happy turkey dinners of my youth were now replaced by a chilling, wet, solitary visit to a lonely headstone.

I knelt down by the cold, impersonal grave site and I was lost in the past, memories of family visits to my grandparent’s house, uncles and aunts and cousins brimming from every corner of the house. Gone was the warm, festive kitchen complete with a turkey and all of its trimmings. I felt so detached. I don’t even eat turkey anymore. Now all that was left of those blissful days was a cold, gray, moss covered rock with my parent’s names and the dates of their birth and death.

No one ever quite gets over losing a loved one. The circled or checked dates on a calendar that used to remind us of the joyous celebrations of birthdays, now go by almost unnoticed. A quick glance as we pass by a calendar with an empty date sadly reminds us of our loss, no more ripping open packages and blowing out birthday candles, it’s just a ordinary day like hundreds of others now.

During my brief visit, occasionally a car would splash by on the road above, pulling me back into the present, a time of wives, children, mortgages, alimony, careers and lost dreams. For now I wanted the past. The past seemed so contrasted from the present.

It started raining harder and I knew I would get drenched if I didn’t end my visit soon. There was so much that I wanted to tell my parents. I wanted to let my mother read my latest children’s book manuscript. When I would call her up, discouraged, at my latest rejection letter, she would tell me to “be patient, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Someday I’ll see your book in a store, and I’ll be proud of you son.” But she never will now. I also want my father to see how well my oldest son, Chris, is doing on his new job. My father has never seen any of my children because he died three years before Chris was born. I need guidance from both of them on what to do with my problem teenage daughter, Stacy. How do I tell Stacy that if she continues down the wrong path, she will be throwing her life away. How do I get this message through to Stacy as they did to me? I want to show both of them how well the two little ones are doing. My father would be especially proud of Sarah and Tim. They both have a great talent for art and drawing. Before my father became a minister, he went to art school and contemplated commercial art as a career. As a little boy, I remember sitting by his easel watching him create wonderful paintings from a nothing but his imagination and a blank canvas. My youngest, Tim, shares my fathers wit and wisdom of the world. Tim likes everyone and everyone likes Tim. He reminds me so much of my dad.

Turning around sadly, my visit drew to a close. I walked slowly up the wet grass towards my car, past countless of unseen graves of people of whose faces I didn’t know, a paused a few times on my journey and glanced back at my parents mortal body’s permanent resting place a few more times. What a great place for their flesh to be spending eternity, a mere three-quarters of a mile from our old house where we spend so many pleasant times.

I got in my car and drove away. When I crossed the Farmington River Bridge I took a right turn down School Street, some force greater than me controlling my mind at that point. I drove by our old house, the last one where we all lived as a family. I could almost see Scruffy, our little dog, looking out the window. She always sat on the stairs and waited patiently for someone to come home, somehow I know she is waiting for all of us to return and be with her once again. The tree that my mother planted the first summer we lived in this house was still in the front yard. The memory of that last Christmas we lived here and she insisted everyone decorate the scraggly little tree with blinking lights made me smile. More than twenty years later, it’s still a barren, leafless tree and I wondered if the only life in that scraggly tree is the memories of happier days gone past, and when those memories die the tree will too. I can still hear the cacophony of that last Christmas morning, when my brother Rob and I, even as teenagers, raced each other down the stairs to see what we received for gifts. As brothers we couldn’t be more opposite. Rob the sports nut, got all types of sports paraphernalia that year and I was more into other things and all sorts of books or record albums awaited me under the tree. That was the very first year we didn’t visit any other relatives due to my father’s declining health. I wish now that I knew that a mere four months later he would be gone forever, I know I wouldn’t have retreated to my room after all the paper and bows were deposited in the trash. I think I would have spent more time with my dad.

The tears began at this moment as I turned around at the end of the dead end street, then I angrily floored the car, and sped past the house full of old memories. I coaxed even more speed out of the car, hoping the faster I went, the farther the painfully sad memories will be left behind and I’d find some sort of happier experiences around the next corner. But memories never get left behind; no matter if they are happy, sad, painful, embarrassing or otherwise. They just become little chunks of our soul and make us all who we are at this point in time.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmm

2008-10-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

If pigs squeal,

And bells peal,

I'm not that envious,

Just a little teal.

Thought of the day---

2008-09-18T05:33:00.000-07:00

I've always had a desire to lighten my hair.
Blond, maybe?
Now nature is doing it for me,
making my hair the same color
as the change in my pocket.

Retro 50s rewind!

2008-08-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

I was racing around the internet yesterday and came across a really cool site that sells restored 50s ads to be used as framed art. Cool! But in examination of some of these pictures the artists who painted them in the 50s have less of a grasp on reality than I do. Let me point out my disturbing observations:

This is refrigerator ad from 1954. Look at the back ground; apparently we landed a fridge on the moon 16 years before Neil Armstrong took his first steps there. Why? Was it to test how the fresh spilled food would be when Neil wanted a snack? What powered this fridge/rocket? I want some for my car.

Okay- so I messed with this one. It originally read “Cookies” and I changed it to sex. C’mon guys, wouldn’t we wash dishes for sex anyways?

Look at the record jacket. Exactly the same image as what the ad is. Freaky!

A revolving house! I want one NOW!

What’s with the boy in the yellow shirt? Practicing not football, but a dance move for his Broadway debut? I’ll bet that kid gets beat up a LOT!

A spilled lunch. A tomato sandwich- the lunch of all healthy girls from the 1950s, and not one but TWO apples and a banana AND a piece of cake! And what’s with the trucker? He seems to be admiring that boy’s butt while his partner takes a snooze.

If I had cancer, and I saw that …. Thing… aimed at me, I’d die right there on the table. A 50s idea of what cancer treatment in the future might entail.

Lots of drinking and baking went on in the 50s.

Read the caption……. ‘nuff said!

The woman in this painting looks like Scarlett Johannson.

No? Wonder if she cooks like the woman too.

The housewife is polishing kitchen utensils and her husband (I assume) is polishing the ’57 Plymouth. Scary people.

The caption of this might read: “Holy cow am I wasted. I’ll just hold on to this garden post until the effects of the LSD wear off. These red swirls are making me dizzy.”

This was published in 1956 telling us what the house of the future might look like. Okay then, where is my flying car? Some things DID come true: The projection TV, the internet on that TV like box on the counter, and control panels for the house (on the far right). I want to know why this guy lives with so many women. Did they predict an upturn in polygamy?

This one reminded me of my grandparent’s house trailer at the beach. They had great neighbors that always would bring food over. Nothing really funny here, not unless you would consider that wisecracking 5 year old (me) that didn’t make it into this painting.

This picture was so wrong, that I had to number some parts:

1) What’s a blind guy (doesn’t that look like a seeing eye dog) doing on a boat? Maybe that is his hot daughter everyone is chatting up lying on the lounge chair in front of him? The only way to get Stella on the boat is to invite her dad along. And don’t forget Sparky, his dog. Dad doesn’t leave home without him.

2) Odd place to put a boat motor, don’t you think? Especially on a lifeboat. If that party boat is sinking, I don’t care if I’m in an engine powered boat or hand powered boat, I’m getting the hell off of the sinker as fast as possible.

3) What’s the kid fishing for? Doesn’t he know that you can’t catch fish if you dangle your line in the boat’s wake? I haven’t been fishing that often, but that part I DO know!

4) Sure just what the boat’s pilot needs, another drink!

5) Because….. he is aiming directly at the littler boat. He might be giving a drunken wave, but I’ll bet that other boat captain is holding up his middle finger!

Is this a 50s picnic lunch or a dish to bring to a bachelorette party?

This pic is from a calendar from 1954. I find it the most disturbing of all. What’s a weird looking guy wearing pajamas riding on a toboggan doing coming out of another guy’s crotch? By the stars around the guy, it looked like it was a mighty painful exit too.

And of course, the last picture is one of me trapped in a TV in a 1950s living room. Please let me out.

--So go and buy some prints at Plan59. Please!

PS. I want a diner booth.

More holidays to celebrate-

2008-07-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

While researching my genealogical roots I found out my great grandmother was from India! Oh great! Another whole culture to study!

---Watts in a name?

2008-07-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

So what’s in a name? Have you ever Googled yours?

If you Google mine, you’ll find stuff about me starting about page 13. The lion’s share of the “Googliness” of my name is this guy who started Galpin Ford in California.

Other than our names, it looks like we have an affinity for Hawaiian shirts. That’s Frank on the left. The guy on the right is Bert Boeckmann, current owner of Galpin Ford. One of Bert’s sons started Galpin Auto Sports, a car customizing company and sponsor of the MTV show Pimp My Ride. I wonder if they could pimp my ride. I’ve always wanted a bio-diesel hot rod… hmmm….

Anyway- Google your name here. Any surprises? Don’t forget to put your name in quotation marks, so it will just search for your name. If you don’t and let’s say your name is Kim, you will have to sort through 150,000 Kim Kardashian pages before getting to yours.

Driving my life away-

2008-06-27T13:17:00.000-07:00

As the saying goes:

Life is a highway, and if it is, I feel like I’m at mile marker 114 out of a 150 mile journey.

I’m at the point in my trip where a person starts feeling a little antsy, a bit cooped up. I’m a little nervous about my final destination, and it seems as if I have passed all of the really neat rest stops. Now all I have to do is enjoy the scenery (and it’s GREAT!) and drive on to my destination.

Garaticulating-

2008-06-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

Garaticulating-

I made the word up, and this past week I’ve been sneaking it into my everyday conversation. – Yes by the way, I’m weird.

9 Out of 10 people let it go by- maybe they think that they are dumb and don’t know the word and will look it up later, So 1 out of 10 people have the guts to admit that they might not know everything.

What does garaticulating mean? I looked up some roots:

Gara is a Spanish newspaper. So garaticulating might take on an adjective form…. Putting something in the newspaper.

“After she broke up with him, threatened the movie start with garaticulatin about their affair.”

Gara is also a village in India. It might be a happy place to live, I’d like to think that, so the villagers might garaticulate, and the present participle would be garaticulating. The word might denote gaieties and fun:

“The children, all hopped up on birthday cake, were garaticulating around the pool, making my mother very nervous.”

BUT! The coolest use of my made up word is it kind of sounds like a band from the 70s. I Photoshopped what their record labels might have looked like. Check out the songwriters (the names under the song titles):

Their first hit! It was culled from their album;

“Make Way For Us”

Hit number 2! It went to number 1!!!

So on the success of the first two, the band pressured their record label into issuing their third hit on a custom printed label- but the art department screwed up the colors, and it was hard to read… ultimately leading to dissention among band members and the band’s breakup. The band members now are 50-year-old bloggers and professional Reminiscers, an honored, but highly underpaid job of telling stories from the past for money. It looked awful:

Ha ha!

-Smile!-

2008-06-18T10:19:00.000-07:00

I came across this site a few months ago and check in daily to see what they have posted. Somehow I missed this post and I found it yesterday when I was reviewing the funny stuff on the site.

Gad! I had nightmares about this woman last night. Those Hungarian ladies sure have big mouths!

-Time in a bottle- which is better than time in a brothel

2008-06-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

There is always something to be said for time- or rather lack of it- maybe mismanagement?

My job gives me 5 days in a row off every three weeks. I’m on the last day of it and haven’t yet accomplished anything I set out to do.

My list of things to do:

Finish the two short films scripts I’ve been working on for like a year.

Start a short story for submission to a literary anthology. I have notes etc. I have to get down to the mechanics of working on it.

Re-watch some movies: Little Children, Donnie Darko, Gray Matters. I loved these when I first watched them, but I was looking over my DVD collection and pulled out these three to re-watch.

Edit and comment on a friend’s short story. She is stuck- and asked me to offer suggestions to help her finish it.

Ride my bike! Although the weather hasn’t co-operated this 5 day.

Go into the City (New York) for a day- I read about an exhibit at the Guggenheim, but now I even forgot what it was, or why I was interested in it.

---- Nap---

So what have I squandered my time on?

Reading about what a great man Tim Russert was.

Watching DVDS of Friends, Weeds and NOT watching the above movies.

Picking my daughter up and giving her rides to her boyfriend’s house, then giving her rides home. This has been very time consuming.

Wasting time online- sometimes I wish I never even had Internet access. I downloaded some really cool stuff from I-Tunes, Aimee Mann’s new record is awesome. Found some old 70s type stuff from my teens years-

Reading blogs- I read at least 50 every day so far, and try and comment on each one. Maybe thi8s isn’t a time waster, ‘cause it’s kind of fun.

So- I think I have to take some stock and not let myself get derailed in three weeks.

June---

2008-06-08T12:13:00.001-07:00

June is an important month for me. It was June of the year 1984 I gained control over my life and became sober. So- 24 years. Hah! Next year is the big year- 25 years of wishing I was drunk- yes it never goes away. I always thought it was in September, but that’s when my original divorce started, and I didn’t make this life altering decision until the next June.

A lot ha been said and written on this very site about sobriety. Not unless you have been through it, had that devil monkey nipping at your back every day you don’t understand all the nuances nuisances of living sober everyday- for everyday can be a struggle. Even after 24 years.

So with that being said- I SHOULD post tales of how I had to cope and the good times I missed out on because I know even ONE drink will do me in. That’s’ how close to the edge I’ve always been- one drink and I’d wake up three-six-nine months or even a year later and wondered what happened.

But 26 is awfully young to realize this problem. I wonder what I was thinking back then—I look at my older kids, 28 and 26 and wonder if they could make a descion like that if they saw the self-destruction I was going through.

Anyway- I thought I’d share an important anniversary in my life, and I SHOULD share some stories, but I don’t think anyone will be interested.

Church for sale---

2008-06-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

This church is for sale near where I work in Agawam Massachusetts.

It’s right on the Connecticut border (see pic)

I think it would make a really neat place to live. Spacious, well lit are things in I look for in a abode. I’ve peered inside and one of those two ‘wings’ would make a neat artist’s space.

I thought it would be a great space for a recording studio, but there are neighbors really close on both sides and across the street, so making music at 3 in the morning is out of the question. A painter’s room? Cool. Too bad I don’t paint. But the church is so big I could rent out part of it.. to a painter. A writer? Any takers?

I’m too chicken to call and ask the price. Maybe I’d be surprised.

PS. Please excuse the small parts of my Ford Explorer that encroached into the photos. I took them from my cell phone, and I’m not that great taking photos from a phone. I’m doing this because it seems my camera had an unfortunate accident. A few weeks ago my son Tim left it on my Explorer’s rear bumper and I took off for work at 1 AM and couldn’t see it in the dark. It made it to the end of my driveway before falling off and smashing itself into a thousand digital fragments.

PS PS- My Ford Explorer is being replaced Monday with a Subaru Outback Limited. I must bid my Ford friend adieu- I love the machine, but she needs engine work, brake work and a new transmission and with 175,000 on her and only getting about 14 miles per gallon (she’s tired!) I need something a bit more reliable to drive everyday. Yesterday as I drove her home from work, I shed a tear because our nice sunny spring days together are coming to an end… it’s really stupid to get so attached to a car-

RE: Creep Factor

2008-06-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

I’d like to thank everyone who commented on my creep factor question. Here is a short synopsis of what I’m trying to accomplish in my story.

I’m trying to tell a story of a young girl who is a prostitute and marries this older guy for trust issues, while still acting out her emotional need for sexual satisfaction from strangers. The older guy knows about what she does, but has a strong desire to help her out to overcome her problems because he has fallen in love with her. The story would open with the girl and her ‘client’ coming out from a bedroom and the husband being home and the client being befuddled by the whole arrangement; the husband knowing about what his wife does, and being fine with it. And to throw another twist into the plot, while the husband is telling the client that it is okay, another girl comes into the scene who is the girl’s lesbian lover.

You see why I titled it Trust. The husband REALLY has to trust his wife, his wife trusts him to provide guidance to her, that she hasn’t had in her life, the husband and the wife’s lover have an unspoken mutual trust agreement between them. I call the arrangement a tri-ouple. But the wife’s client also has his trust shattered, because I’ll bet men who visit prostitutes have some kind of idea of what the girl’s life might be like. Learning all this about her has his head spinning.

I guess I have to write it all out to make any sense… I want to make this a short film script… I bet I could extend it to a full length film, but I haven’t the time or ambition to do so.

So did anyone understand this at all?

I hate crocs!

2008-06-01T07:04:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Karyn Bosnak posted a blog about crocs. I read all the comments and how people thought they were comfortable, so I decided to break down a buy a pair.

I didn’t know they snapped! After many attempts to get them on my feet, and almost getting a few fingers caught in the snaps, I gave up. I don’t have a clue how people get them to stay on their feet, and they look really, really uncomfortable, and I decided to return them

When I took them back to the store I bought them from the one-armed man behind the counter pointed his only straight finger to the sign above the counter that read: “NO RETURNS ON CROCS”

Now I know the real meaning behind crocodile tears.

Creep Factor!

2008-05-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

I’m writing a short film screenplay about trust. Not to give too much of the plot away, it involves an older guy marrying a much, much younger woman Now---- with Indiana Jones opening this weekend, and all the woman’s talk of Harrison Ford’s lingering ‘hotness’ at 65.

His relationship with a much younger woman (22 years age difference) I would like to know what the average person’s “Creep Factor” for dating younger/older people. I recently read that it is the older person’s age, divided by two and add seven and that is the YOUNGEST the older person can get involved with. In my screenplay- my guy is aged 55 and his wife is 22.

So what is YOUR creep factor?

What would you do-- or the real me!

2008-05-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

You’re suddenly wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. Well maybe not, but let’s pretend. In other words- money is not a worry for you anymore, and you can do whatever you want to do for the rest of your life.

A lot of people give vague answers when asked what they would do if they were rich.
Most people would like to travel. To where? Have many people REALLY given thought to who they are and what they would do if wealthy?

So- I sat down and really thought about who I am and here is what I came up with:

My greatest joy in life is to make people smile, laugh and think. So I would continue to write a blog- or something to entice a chuckle, a chortle, an insightful thought or something. If I didn’t have to work, I could write more, and if a day came I didn’t feel like sitting down and writing- I’d write; “Nothing to say today.”

I don’t have time to ride everyday, so I’d ride my bike more.

Yes I’d travel. I have always wanted to check out the United Kingdom, so I’d get my International Driver’s license, fly over there, buy a car and drive around for three or so years. Explore every nook and cranny. But then again I’d like to explore the nooks and crannies of this country, so maybe I’d be over there for two years and drive around over here for two years. Take pictures. Lots! I’d also like to see the Great Wall of China before I die. I like India too… so much to see.

I’d give more gifts. I LOVE giving gifts to people… it’s my second joy in life behind making people smile. Some people think it’s a little strange that I give gifts to strangers, but I like doing it. So if I was wealthy, I’d gift many, many people. I’d cruise Amazon.com’s wish lists and gift people their whole list!

When not traveling, gifting, writing, I’d spend whole days in NYC doing nothing and feeling guilty about it.

I love mash-up songs. That’s where they piece together a song from many others. Maybe I’d do a few of those. Heck, I just LOVE creating things, so that’s what I’d do when not traveling, gifting, reading, lounging in New York, or napping.

The only thing I haven’t figured out is where I’d live. I love the beach, but I love New York City too. A few years ago I spent a week in Chicago and LOVED that city too. So maybe I’d have residences in many cities.

So- that’s me and what I’d like to do with my life.

I spied with my little eye----

2008-05-06T06:58:00.001-07:00

I saw something which disturbed me this bright warm spring morning. I witnessed a bus full of kids, and on the console next to the bus driver was a crocheted covered coffee can full of pens and pencils. I don’t blame the bus driver for this- she is probably just trying to be a great driver by having a supply of writing implements for those kids who forgot theirs. Most likely she never thought about what might happen to these missiles if she was to get into an accident.

In the course of my day I see all sorts of people exiting their cars full of junk. Candy wrappers, soda cans, Snapple bottles- well you get the idea. I’ll bet no one even thinks of what kind of destruction these pieces of trash can do in an accident- and you could be the most careful driver out there, but someone else could hit you and you could die in a stupid trash-missile accident.

About 20 years ago, up near Schenectady New York, I witnessed a truck run off the road in the middle of the night. I stopped to help. The truck was rolled on its side, and when I saw the driver I thought he lost an eye- it was that gross. But in reality, he just cut himself above the eye, ad the blood was running down his face. He was hit by his trucker’s briefcase- the thing he put his wallet in, shipping papers, log book, etc. He was hit with the thing because it was loose inside his truck’s cab, and when he rolled over, he got hit with the loose object. Luckily, there was an ER nurse who also witnessed the crash and stopped to help, and I overheard her telling the police officer that responded that if the briefcase hit him a quarter if an inch closer to his eye socket he would have broken his skull and his eye would have been expelled from its socket. I get queasy just thinking about this.

Another time I stopped to help out at an accident in northern Massachusetts, right on the Vermont border. It had rained (in February!) and just before I arrived in that area the road was solid ice. While assisting at the first accident, a young woman, 25ish, hit a patch of ice and flipped her car three times and rolled it three times. When my driving partner and I got to her demolished car, she was still in the driver’s seat, appeared to be unharmed (yeah for the safety of Mercedes!) as far as we could see with the car on its side. But after trying to get her out, we noticed she was dazed and incoherent, more than should be, looking at her condition. Again, we had professional help, a paramedic arrived at the scene for the first accident and witnessed this girl’s ‘stunt’ driving, and he noticed her purse. I picked it up off her head, and the thing must have weighed 30 pounds- she had everything in there, and the paramedic deduced that her purse hit her squarely in the temple. She could not move any of her limbs, and to this day I wonder if she recovered. I can’t help believe if her purse didn’t hit her in the head, she might have just got out and walked away from that accident.

I read somewhere (No I can’t produce the link-sorry) that something like 10% of fatal accidents could be avoided because it wasn’t the impact that killed the car’s occupants, it was the junk they had laying around in the car that brought about their demise.

So- I hope you see my point. Does YOUR car have implements of possible destruction on the floor? I REFUSE to let my passengers drink out of a glass container while we are driving. Imagine that a full 16 oz glass bottle could do if left in a cup holder and you are hit on the side. We forced the car manufacturers into providing us with all these cup holders, but have you ever thought what might happen to that steaming hot cup of coffee if you are hit from the side by an errant driver?

So keep your modes of transportation neat and free from debris. Look for stuff that can loosen in an accident and cause you or your passengers harm. I’d hate to lose anyone reading this in a freak accident involving a newly bought spatula, a bottle of mango juice, a Webster’s Thesaurus, and a hot mocha latte!

Films-

2008-05-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

I have a new interest in film making- especially short films, which are making a comeback from their heyday in the 1940s.

I am working on a few scripts- but one in particular is very close to my heart. It's based on a short story a friend of mine wrote, and while the story is humorous, when translated to my script, it shows sadness within the humor.

I was thinking of trying to get some sort of grant to film it, but I had an idea that it might look like a more realistic situation if filmed lo-fi style on a cheap video camera. But either way- the budget wouldn't be huge and if anyone has aspirations of working on a really cool project and getting their mug before a camera, this would be a great opportunity! Plus I need the cheap/free help... heh heh heh.

A short story and a book excerpt.

2008-04-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

First a short story.

Boy meets girl. They have some laughs, and quickly realize that they will just be friends, and become close friends. During an innocent conversation, girl makes comment, boy laughs and they decide to write a book based on that comment.

Girl writes exactly one paragraph of the book proposal. The boy does all the rest of the work, works his little butt off for a year…. Girl submits book proposal to hifalutin friend who works at some major international magazines. Friend meddles in the whole project, makes some better, but causes boy much more work in the long run. Boy wants to finish the book before trying to sell it, girl suggests boy submit the proposal. The book doesn’t sell. Boy is tired of the project after facing it for more than 5 years, and he is realistic in the fact that it will never be published. Boy writes a short story and submits the proposal here for all to enjoy:

Dating In Cyberia
A Real Life Experiment With Internet Dating

A Book Proposal

By Sally Libby and Frank Galpin

DATING IN CYBERIA

Every day approximately 10 million people go to dozens of dating websites to seek a soul mate. To test how feasible, or ridiculous, this quest can be, we created personal ads for 60 false identities -- mixing and matching varied physical qualities, desires, and biographical details for each character. Posting the fake ads on many different dating sites (where it's possible to see all the responses, and a tally of how many people read each ad), we quickly collected as many as 8,000 responses per ad.

Choosing the 40 or so ads that drew the most memorable or hilarious responses, we gathered them into a book -- with a short analysis of each ad, explaining our expectations when we posted it and summing up the quality and quantity of the date seekers it attracted. The final collection of mating calls and responses is an addictive read with the same appeal that has drawn millions of viewers to Reality TV.

Modeling our experiment after Letters from a Nut, the humor book that has sold millions of copies by presenting joke letters to corporations along with their genuine responses, we created fake dating identities that exaggerate the outlandish qualities of the love seekers on real dating sites. We pushed the limits to see how wacky we could be and still get serious replies. For comparison, we tested to see if the same ad would get a different type of response if we posted it with a photo of an attractive person or a plain-looking person. (As we suspected, looks matter. The human species seems to believe in perpetuating itself with beautiful genes only.) We also tested to see if money made a difference. Surprisingly, one of our profiles -- for a plain-looking man who had won $10 million in a lottery -- generated less than 10 replies.

To make this social experiment as entertaining as possible, we created as diverse a dating subset as exists in the real world. For instance, we placed an ad for a widower with six kids whose wife electrocuted herself as she vacuumed up a water spill. We didn't expect his hard-luck story to get many letters from women seeking a date, but he received hundreds. We also placed fake ads for: a snake-wrangling superwoman (who received about 6000 responses); an ethnic dance instructor on a cruise ship; a chimney sweeper who's recovering from claustrophobia; and many others.

Dating in Cyberia will make an extremely fun, entertaining impulse buy, particularly for singles, who make up 43 percent of the population. The outrageous fake profiles are read-out-loud funny, particularly when combined with the sincere or demented responses. Thousands of people have taken out personal ads, or answered them. But even if you've only secretly read them, this book provides a vicarious thrill and a lot more laughs than a genuine cyberdate.

Sample Personal Ads and Responses:

1) Chimchimeree

Wanna be swept off your feet?

My age: 32
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Home: Huntington Station, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Green

Height: 5 feet 8 inches / 172.7 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English, A little Spanish

Ethnicity: Middle Eastern

Religion: Spiritual, but not religious

Education: College graduate

Occupation: Self Employed

Smoker: Yes

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Divorced
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Pickup Truck
Celebrity I resemble: Katie Couric

Favorite food: Spaghetti and Meatballs

Do I want Children: Undecided

Her description:

Life is great! Just need to find someone like Dick Van Dyke! LOL! I am the owner of a Chimney Sweep Company plus a recovering claustrophobic - so the two together make me a pretty intresting person. I knew I had to conker my fear so I went for it! Day in and day out I am surrounded - the first few times weren't pretty. But now I go in knowing I will come out alive, filthy, but alive! When I'm not sweeping I'm part owner of a nail salon which I manage. People think I only wear black lacquer! LOL! On my days off I like to bike and shop by day and relax with a margarita at a karaoke bar at night. I've met a lot of great people in this business; you'd be surprised how many people quit their jobs because they are sick of someone breathing down their neck and go into chimney sweeping. You basically are your own boss once your inside. And you'd be surprised at how quick you can learn it.

Her ideal mate would be:

I like tall muscley guys who know where they have been in life and where they are going (even if they have to ask for directions). I like guys who try new things and aren't afraid to sieze the day even if its night! Guys who can teach me something new if I give them half a chance. Who aren't afraid to walk a little different if thats who they are. Sometimes because of my job I may have a smokey scent (hey it beats musk!) but I've been told its sexy! When I was having my wedding shower the joke was let's make my shower a real one (I got a lot of soap!) I hope you like the country and the blues because I know some great places around here. BYOB-bring your own broom so you can sweep me off MY feet! Show me how charming you are in your response and be swept off of YOUR feet!

Despite the excessive number of misspelled words, Chimchimeree's profile was read by 6,000 people, and about 1000 posted a response (many of which also needed a spell check). When we created the ad, we were wondering what kind of guy would be attracted to an educated woman who writes as if she never paid attention in class. The answer: Most of her romeos shared her immunity to the effects of higher education. Well, at least they were open-minded enough to consider a date with a chimney sweep who has claustrophobia and a faint smoky scent. If it was good enough for Mary Poppins…

Responses

Hi:
I haven't had a lot of luck dating chimney sweeps, but I'm willing to try again. Please read my profile and let me know if you would like a photo. I work in commercial building engineering/maintenance. It's a start.

Bye,
Keith

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My curiosity is about your vacation -- and how you ever got involved with
dirty... sooty.... chimneys? It's great to forget the humdrum of the daily
toils... but it's difficult to forget the smell of #2 oils! It's equally
difficult to remove the soot from your nails... hair ... and "everything" else.
Snowy, slippery roofs can ruin a day too.

Other than what I have already said... and if you have not clicked this message
away... you look like a cute, normal person. I am a single guy that has answered
few of these ads, but you seem so irresisable.

Don't let go of the ladder.

Donnie M.

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Sorry I'm in Kansas but I just stopped by to say you look great and don't worry
about that smokey aroma, BBQ ribs often smell of smoke and look at how they have
made out. So long cutie and beware of cinders.

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Dear Sweeper:

The dating service’s gods sent me your profile and your picture, and your smile lit up my screen.

I hope that wasn't too corny.

To do that, I was thinking we could get to know each other -- especially since I
have two chimneys.

I found your profile honest, sincere, quite appealing, and would like to get to
know you.

I enjoy an enthusiasm for adventure, health and a passion for life. I pursue a
healthy lifestyle, work out quite a bit, am very fit and have a great sense of
humor.

I believe that is where I get my zest for life.

I understand that my profile and picture will be attached to this message.

If I sound and look interesting to you, I hope you'll respond.

I await your reply.

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Hi...

You have an interesting combination of interests. I am curious why someone with a college education would decide to run a chimney sweep company, unless you're kidding (because of the claustrophobia remark and the fact that Dick VanDyke was a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins).

I admire other cultures a lot... especially the asian cultures and would like to
meet an asian lady to marry. I have been to Asia and think that asian ladies are the most beautiful in this world.

I live in Central New York State... I don't know if it's within 100 miles from you or not, but where I live is a very beautiful area with many chimneys.

Please read my profile. If you like it and reply, I'll send you a picture and maybe we can get to know each other.

Have a great day and I hope that I hear from you.

- Mark

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i am waiting you to have love and fun with us.
you are shour you from middle east???
are you love come back to visit middle east and see pyramids and rever nile.
i am looking apout serious relationship.
if you like me e-mail me soon.
sam.

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you crack me the hell up already.

rick

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2) Poodlejumper

Home is where the heart is

My age: 28
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Home: Chicago, Illinois
Hair: Light Brown Eyes: Brown
Height: 5 feet 7 inches / 170.1 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: Don’t practice

Education: Some college, but didn’t graduate

Occupation: Other

Smoker: NO!

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Divorced
Seeking: Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Jet airplane
Celebrity I resemble: Helen Hunt (with brown hair)

Favorite food: Happy Meal

Do I want Children: Most Definitely

Her description:

Hi! Well first of all I hope you like dogs, poodles to be specific, because I work with them and have to take them home. My house is filled with them! I started The Poodle Rescue League and am on my 31st "client". My marriage ended when I brought home #19 a year ago! What I do is reprogram them from abuse-did you know that overspoiling a dog is abusive? Poodles are like kids, if you give them too much they turn into ungrateful, whining, temperamental creatures. They are very smart and know what they are doing. Anyway, I've been working 24/7 to build my business and need a break. I like to do needlepoint (i read that Russell Crow does too!) and badmitten and bowling and hotwax sealing (I design my own seals).If we hit it off I'll knit a commode cozy or whatever and I'll send you a poodle hotwax seal that I sell at pet craft shows. I guess you could call me creative. I love craft shows and flea markets.

Her ideal mate would be:

I'm looking for a guy who is honest and has a lot of integrity and knows how to treat a lady. You don't have to hold the door for me all the time just 90%! I WILL NOT get on a motorcycle or jet ski because I was in traction when I was 23 - I wasn't ON the bike, I got hit by one at a company picnic (he was fired!) I hope you are handy around the house and can make shelves and things like that. I'm never touching a circular saw again but I'll save that story for later. I'm a little accident prone which is why I'm kind of a homebody. If you don't mind hanging around the house on weekends and don't mind cleaning up after dogs I'd like to hear from you. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE write more than one line so I can judge your personality by your response!!!

Is there anyone out there who's looking for a poodle freak with a side interest in hot wax sealing and a come-on line that includes the promise of a knitted commode cozy? We didn't think so. But we were oh so wrong. Thirteen thousand people responded to this ad, which may have something to do with the fact that we attached a photo of a beautiful woman. Contrary to our expectations, Poodlejumper didn’t attract a slew of dog lovers. Many respondents felt sorry for her because of her obvious klutziness and were dying to know the circular saw story. In fact, many of her paramours had a story of their own to tell and asked if they could compare bruises.

Responses

Hello, I had to laugh about your circular saw comment. It just so happens that I am a trainer for a power tool company. If you would like, I can teach you how to operate the circular saw safely! Or any other tool you would like. Around the office, I am referred to as Mr. Sawdust. I have been working with all these tools for some time now. It is a lot of fun as it is also a hobby of mine. I enjoy woodworking and doing different things around the house. Shelves? No problem... I think your work with the dogs sounds cool. My grandfather always had poodles, and I also thought they were very smart. It was very unusual that these dogs would never be very friendly to anyone in the family except me. Thank you for the opportunity to introduce myself a little, it would be nice to start some conversation with you.
Hope to hear from you.
Thanx,
Dennis

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi,

I started reading your profile and to be honest I was not sure of writing, but
then I read the rest of your profile and if anything, we both share a love of
circular saws. I thought if we don't hit it off, at least we could share our
saw stories, because I have one of my own and I'm sure it will make you feel
better about yours. Besides a love of saws, it sounds like we have similar
interests, I've been know to stay in on weekends and hang a few shelfs, I
usually go over board with projects around the house but I've never knitted a
commode cozy, I don't even know what that is. Anyway check out my profile and
if your intrested in chatting, let me know.

Len

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but seriously, what the hell is a hotwax seal? do you do
brazilian?

N---

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Poodlefile I feel like I already know you because yesterday I emailed
you what I thought was a funny and interesting and open and great and
blah,blah,blah,message about your sickness for poodles.I was so pleased about my
little message that I actually stood in my office and did a back flip off of my
desk,out the window and into the dumpster unscathed and found the rest of the
bagel that I pitched out the day before in haste.Man was I happy with my
literary masterpiece.Well... today I come into my office and see I have a new
Email. Golly! I say to myself wouldnt it be neato if my poodle toting buddy from
Chi town recieved my little message.Instead their is a message from the bunko squad saying that since this is my first message(which by the way was my very first attempt to send anyone a message my poodlemad compadre)I have to go through this channel and that and my message will not be seen by you or the masses of literary starved homosapiens.So am sending this message to say that hopefully a day will come when I ******** ******* the third will be able to forward my saved message to you.I am not really a third or a master thesbien like you surely assummed. yours truly redman.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

....I can write more than one line. I HATE poodles by the way.....but compared
to cats, I love them. I really hate cats and I like animals.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi,

I am interested in talking to you about your poodle rescue effort. I have a black standard poodle, 4 years old. I have had poodles my whole life.

I might be able to help you with placing the dogs you rescue.

I am straight and not contacting you for any other reason but to find out more about your Poodle Rescue efforts.

Thanks.

Jane

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you communicate no other thing to me, I must know what a poodle hot wax seal is! I'm assuming it is the imprint on the seal of a letter. I love flea markets! Estate and garage sales too. I've all but given up the latter because of time. Any mishap involving a circular saw sends shivers down my spine - I hope you're OK. I am a hobbyist woodworker and will ocaisionally have a daydream-nightmare involving a table saw. The people around probably wonder why I turn dead white on occaision. Thanks for writing a good profile that gave me something to write
about.------- Calvin

3) Windshear

Wanna Ride?

My age: 32
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Home: Lincoln, Massachusetts
Hair: Blonde Eyes: Brown

Height: 5 feet 6 inches / 167.6 cm

Body Type: Athletic

Languages: English

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: Spiritual, but not religious

Education: Graduate Degree

Occupation: Executive management

Smoker: Nope!

Drinker: Hardly ever

Marital Status: Never been down the aisle
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: A red Ferrari
Celebrity I resemble: Mary Stuart Masterson

Favorite food: Steak Tar Tar

Do I want Children: Undecided

Her description:

I'm not your everyday girl. You probably haven't met anyone like me. I know I haven't! I'm a guy's girl because basically I'm fearless. I take on any challenge. I don't like to sit still, you could call me hyper! I've jumped out of planes, raced motorcycles and have my black belt in karate. Yeah, a REAL Charlie's Angel! But don't be intimidated I'm soft on the outside (some might say on the inside too!). Even though I used to work in a herpetarium (grew up in Texas) and had to handle some mean looking things I still like lacy lingerie, bubble baths and Almond Oil massages. Hope you do too! I've broken just about every bone in my body doing what I love to do from rock climbing to riding thoroughbreds to hang gliding. I like living life on my own terms and don't always play by the rules. I've gotten into a few scrapes but can always charm my way out! Rode a Harley topless in the rain down in the Keys, hiked Hawaiian volcanoes and bungee jumped off a cliff in Rio. If you are up for your own challenge I'd like to hear from you!

Her ideal mate would be:

Some men say that I am a challenge; I don’t put myself in that category at all. Basically, I’m looking for a guy to pick up the pieces of me when I come home broken. I can’t cook, (sorry!) but I would love it if you could. Maybe just some pasta or pancakes, tacos or tuna fish would be okay, because I usually don’t stop too long to eat. Maybe opposites will attract, maybe my guy can be the quiet shy type. At least not too shy enough to administer the aforementioned Almond Oil massages! But I do love to laugh, so please, please, please have a sense of humor. Even though I have been know to toss back a few, I don’t drink too much, so don’t you either. I have to be sharp, just to be me! Looks are not all that important to me, just be yourself and so will I, and let’s see what develops from there. Oh yeh, only an idiot answers an ad from me with just one line, or a "cut and pasted" response!

By far the most popular profile we created, this ad was read by nearly 15,000 people, and about 3000 of them posted a response. Windshear was our firstborn -- we started out with a bang -- a combination of Wonder Woman, Xena the Warrior, and the Bionic Woman. We wondered who would take the bait if we created an indefatigable, undefeatable super female. Would men be intimidated or look to her as the ultimate conquest? Judging from the responses, she appealed mostly to men who wanted to challenge her to some sort of sporting duel. (Many of them begged her not to ''break me.'') Though she's a grad student and executive manager, Windshear didn’t catch the attention of the intellectual crowd -- except, of course, one lawyer who compared himself to the snakes she used to handle. Oh, and then there's the bike racer who quotes Voltaire…

Responses

So I became a bit exhausted reading your profile but at least it was refreshing
to hear your a sportswoman as against someone who worships the gym.I am not sure
whether I want to arm wrestle you or hold your hand.By the way I can cook.hope
to hear from you. thomas

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I've got a medic background, and I can cook all kinds of great pasta, and or
pancakes.. I raced bikes for a few years, and i know when and what to eat, not
to mention can give a great massage. Love the adventure, I know I can keep up, and if need be I'll patch you up,start an IV, and get you back on the horse, to get ya back home. Do ya do any winter sports? (like of course ya do, but which?) Check out my profile, and give a shout, we can get out and do something! Voltaire quotes; "You can learn more about a person in an hour of play, than from a year of conversation..
I have off the last two weeks of Jan, so I'm open for anything.. Hope to hear
from ya.. Greg;-]

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not a one-line cut and paste type of guy here

but also - i have never done any of the things that you have - some i would try
- some i would never - such as racing a motorcycle - or taking karate - but most of the other stuff sounds enticing - at least i'm with an expert

i'm hardly the shy type - very outgoing - i just don't break my bones during my recreational activities -

what i think we definatly have in common is your desire for a foot rub and a massage - and my never ending desire to pamper the woman i love -

so - you say looks are not important - if that's true - i really have to meet you no matter what - because you don't lie - i have never met anyone like you

and if its just to meet as new acquaintances - and maybe future friends - so be it - but in terms of romance - i joined because i am ready to settle down

for the last several years i have not dated - as i was focused pretty much exclusively on my work the last few years - and prior to that i was in a long-term fully committed relationship

i'm not much of a cook - but i can order in just fine and can have the table set nicely with some candles for you when you come in muddy and bleeding -

to the extent you find that my thoughts on life and love mirror yours - it would be at the very least - an eyeopening experience to meet Mrs Evil Knevil

hope to hear from you soon
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If you stretch your horizons a bit and look West around the curve of the earth you might find what you want. I'm imagining rubbing almond oil into your skin, gently, searching for knotted muscles to massage, finding your sensitive places to touch with exquisite care. I'm on the move this winter, looking for a new place to alight. Write to me!

4) Sixkidsdad

Looking for a date!

My age: 41
I am a: Man
Looking for: A woman
Home: Leonia, New Jersey
Hair: Brown Eyes: Blue

Height: 5 feet 11 inches / 180.3 cm

Body Type: Average

Languages: English

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: ????????

Education: No Answer

Occupation: Teacher

Smoker: No

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Widowed
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Mini-Van
Celebrity I resemble: Albert Brooks

Favorite food: Something nutritious

Do I want Children: No

His description:

Yep I am a widower. With six kids to boot! I have been on my own for three and a half years. My wife met her untimely death in the garage trying to Vacuum up the water left by a midsummer’s thunderstorm. I told her to get the water out of the garage, and instead of choosing to use the Shop-Vac, she was electrocuted with the Electrolux. I feel a little responsible for her horrible death, because I feel as though I should have been the one cleaning up the mess, rather than drying off my new Harley. My therapist is helping me let go of the past and look towards a brighter future. I would love to find a woman to share it with.

His ideal mate would be:

As you can well imagine, I don’t have much time left over after working a full time job, fixing nutritious meals (I’m dead set against fast food) for my clan. I can’t remember the last time the dryer was completely empty and all of the laundry was put away. If you have at least two kids of your own, you’ll sympathize with the laundry part. I’m NOT looking for a mom for my kids. I can comfortably be both Ma and Pa to their needs. I’ve managed on my own for this long. What I am looking for is a companion for ME!

Women are comparatively wary when it comes to reading and answering ads. Of the several male profiles we posted, this one earned the most attention -- but it was read only by 200 people and received a mere 30 responses, much less than any of our female profiles. Most of the women who wrote to Sixkidsdad sympathized with the challenge of being a single parent and offered to take him out on the town. No one seemed to be bothered by the fact that he blamed his wife for her own death (because she used the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner). The respondents included a wide range of women, from an everyday housewife to a pre-law student 20 years younger than Sixkidsdad. The most interesting thing about the women who responded to this ad (and some of our other ads) is that they don’t seem to stick around the dating sites for a long time; usually when we check to see if their profiles are active in two-to-three months they've vanished into that big dating vacuum -- presumably without an electrical or romantic shock.

Responses

Hi, your headline got my attention and then after reading your profile my gosh its so sad and I am so sorry to hear your sad story. You are a brave and sensitive man raising six kids and my sympathy is with you. If you would like to respond please do.

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Hu-Ke-Lau!

Salsa Dance and Who Do You Love? I’m 24, blonde, naked and I want you. Need I say more? I just got my new web cam and I want to try it out and share my pics with you. Get back to me QUICKLY!
Luvvers,

Sydney

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I hear you about the laundry Why don't you let me know what you think after you see my profile.

Diane

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I don't know what your semester looks like, but you sound like a guy who needs a vacation, or at least someone to talk to/email with! I'm a teacher, too, although I don't think my profile is quite yet out there.

I've spent the last few years wishing I could turn back the clock to one moment and change one decision that nearly had the same outcome for my husband. He survived, but the event ultiimately ended my marriage. It isn't on the same level as yours, but I do know what you're going through.

That you have so many children around to remind you that, in some ways, she's not really gone is reassuring. And I promise, the rolling over in the middle of the night and still thinking she is there will stop eventually. My suggestion is to not put it behind you, but to cast the blame away somewhere so that you are only left with positive memories. She would not want you to cloud what you need to preserve for your children and for your sould with blame or guilt or anger over her choice.

Eventually, the pain subsides, and you are left only with the warmth of those good memories, like a warm blanket on a cold day. I promise.

I wrote this last part in case you don't write back, but I hope you do, even if only to have a friend who understands.

"Liz"

5) Funny ComediAnne

Let’s have a BLAST!

My age: 38
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A Man
Home: New York, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Blue

Height: 5 feet 7 inches / 170.1 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English, Finnish

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: No answer

Education: Graduate Degree

Occupation: Self Employed

Smoker: No

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Never walked down the aisle
Seeking: Casual, Short term relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: 1955 Corvette
Celebrity I resemble: Andie McDowell

Favorite food: Something quick- I’m a busy woman!

Do I want Children: NO!

Her description:

HI! I hate to judge people by their career. Let me start with that comment, and then tell you what I do to pay the bills. I’m a MALE impersonator. I do Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Cruise (in Top Gun and Days Of Thunder), George Carlin, Adam Sandler (in Happy Gilmore), Don Rickles (remember him- most people don’t!), Jack Tripper from "Three's Company," and the King himself, Elvis. You should see me dressed in my sequined jumpsuit and glue-on pork chop sideburns; belting out “Heartbreak Hotel.” I could pass for a busty King! Sometimes if I’m on a roll, I’ll slip in Redd Fox and Andy Griffith. When I can’t get any impersonator gigs, I get by with my stand up act. I make enough to support myself and eat if you have a burning desire to know (plus I own a house!) I was born in Moscow (my birthday is Feb. 14, so I might be Cupid’s sister) to Russian parents (DUH!), though I don’t consider myself Russian, as I moved to the US when I was only 2 years old. I don’t even know my native language! I love living in New York, because of the traffic. I’m kidding.

Her ideal mate would be:

If the above intrigued you, answer back. But if you were thinking “This broad is nuts,” then click above and below to get the perfect girl to right your canoe. I’m crazy funny, and fun to be around. I’ll keep you in stitches and I can’t even sew! I’m looking for a guy to light up my life because I have so many broken lamps that need fixing. Like I said, money means nothing to me so don’t try to impress me with your Porsche. Ideally, you would be as zany as I am and we could pull pranks that 12 year olds would be proud of! If you think that I look young for my age you’d be right! I haven’t any runny nosed kids dragging me down, although I wouldn’t care if my man had kids from a previous encounter. I’m warning you----- please don’t insult my intelligence with a one line reply—only guys that know how to spin a yarn get the map to where this princess is sleeping!

Holy identity crisis! Why would red-blooded American guys go for a woman who spends most of her life pretending to be a man? The answer is not quite clear, though it's safe to say that gals like ComediAnne require a refined taste -- only 60 guys responded to this ad, which was read by nearly 7000 men. (This was by far our worst ratio of readers to respondents.) Out of those who did respond, several were jokers with their own gags. Judging by the quality of their laugh lines, these guys may need to seek a mate who doesn't have a sense of humor.

Responses

You seem very attractive and the type of person i would like to meet. You know i thought up a joke the other day. I said to myself this would be good for a stand up joke but if i tried stand up i would only have one joke.So who could i get to use this one- Then i saw your ad. Well that is not the only reason i am writting you. You seem very interesting. I like people that are creative and independent. See if you think you can use this-You might have to spice it up at bit with your charm.---

"I was in my office the other day and thought- wow it is quiet in here so I thought it would be nice to have some music and so i dialed the electric company on speaker phone and of course they put me on hold for half the afternoon with some cool tunes! Problem solved"

I think it would sound better if told rather than in an e-mail. If you might be interested in me i can send you a picture. lol

Timothy

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I mean it's not like I've been looking for you or anything like that. Really,
I swear. I've only been doing stand up for a couple o years but I'll be at
Stand Up NY, this Sat at 5 for a contest. I know contests are kind of Michael
Rodent, I mean Mickey Mouse but I don't live in NY yet. But I've visited there to know its energy is altogether addictive. In fact I'm in a twelve step group called NY Wannabe's Anonymous. I went to a meeting and stood up and said, "Hi, my is Steve and I'm a Wannabe New Yorker. And everybody said, "You? Hah!" I just wrote that so it's a little rough but I like the concept. What do you think? By the way, I remember Don Rickles on The Dean Martin Show. Actually I'm not really that old. I just bought these dentures so I wouldn't have to floss. I'm tired but skip this round of the contest, I'll be in Manhattan soon, Let's hang out, in priviet. Later Dude... Steve… PS Comedienne is spelled with 2 Es but I have no clue with the Cyrillic Alphabet.

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We absolutely must get together...this will be the greatest match since Laurel and Hardy(ok, I'll be Hardy). I absolutely think what you do is wild! Bonus points.....I don't own or want any VW products!

I really think we could have a blast...give it a try..what could you loose..your sanity??

Would love to hear from you, Tom, Jerry or the rest of the boys!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello Funny Cross Impersonator- truly one of the most stupifyingly brilliant narratives since - well since the advent of online dating. I was not there to see it but I'm certain it was -momentous.

FYI - you were on a page postioned just above a woman from Russia who both spoke and cooked in that manner. A perfect juxtaposition I'm sure.

I've got to know- if we were to meet - could I come to see your show- come what may? It sounds entirely appealing.

I'm sending my true profile, only somewhat abridged, and have an excellent photo that I would be delighted to bring along to a first meeting. Will also bring a functioning and occasionally funny brain.

Very best regards,

Paul

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Hello funnycomedianne,

OK, OK... so I still get to be the guy... right? This is kind of like a train wreck, or a karate movie in slow motion. I just can't help myself.

The first one is free:

So you all know about Yahoo... right? Do you know what they call it in Switzerland? Yodel! No really, that's what they call it. Do you know what they call it in Texas? Yeehaw!

So look over here to the left... down a little.. a little more... there I am.
I'm from Texas...

Lucky me! I know for a fact that there is an airport within 100 miles of where you live. So when you think about it, it still hurts. Try not to think about it too much. In reality its probably our parents' fault. The same ones we blame our prosperity and freedom on.

The sign post up ahead... bling bling bling bling bling... its a train! I always wondered what a bling was... now I know. Was that one too many blings? I think so. Make it four.

Your on in 5, 4, 3 . .

Funnyguy246
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Hi funnycomedianne,

Meeting you would fulfill my fantasy of dating a busty Elvis. And we are a match to the extent that I fit somewhere in your height requirement of three foot one inch to eight feet eleven inches.
If I've sufficiently aroused your curiosity, I await your reply. ---Harmon

6) Goth Girl

Goth girl seeks same (?)

My age: 26
I am a: Woman
Looking for: Either
Home: New Rochelle, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Green

Height: 5 feet 10 inches / 180.3 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English,

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: No Answer

Education: No answer

Occupation: No answer

Smoker: No answer

Drinker: No answer

Marital Status: No answer
Seeking: Casual, or Short term relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Hearse
Celebrity I resemble: Cher

Favorite food: No answer

Do I want Children: No answer

Her description:

I am what you may call unconventional. I was a Goth in high school and never heard the end of it from my parents. I am totally into dark art and religious iconry. That is not to say I am religious but I am pantheistic which finds God in all things. I have been called unique and wish to stay that way so please no “saviors” need respond. I am very well read on art and art history and am planning on being well traveled as soon as I can find the time to get my passport. You know that artist Christo who did all sorts of crazy things like “Wrapped Trees” and different colour storefronts as art; well I do stuff like that. My art reflects my passion for new perspectives on old ideas. Right now I am working on a project that some see as ludicrous yet it would be the first of its kind involving real human beings. Siamese twins are usually liberated from each other through medical procedure; I have found two lovers who are so devoted to each other that they want to be surgically joined. It will be a profound statement on the nature of love and totally original. I have applied for an artist’s grant and am waiting to hear back.

Her ideal mate would be:

I am bi and believe we all are but most have repressed our true nature. I don’t care what gender you end up being as long as you are real. You don’t follow the herd and they don’t follow you because you would be too weird for them. You must love galleries, college bookstores, performance houses, and theatre of the bizarre, cafes and the avant guard in all its cultural forms. You have to vote independent and be socially conscience. Your religion or spirituality, politics and sexual expression should mesh and represent you as a divine being, artist and citizen of a new world yet to be born. Bald, goatees, shaved body hair, hungry looking, body art, piercing, extremes of flat chested or huge-breasted, nail art – all cool in my microcosm. Smokers and experimenters OK. Want to hear from you so we can make art in our own image, but PLEASE be original in your response. ABSOLUTELY no one line responses will be even read!!!!!

Pretentious? Moi? We suspected that this Christo-loving overgrown teenager might scare away most love seekers. And, as it happens, the 200 responses to this ad (which was read by 2000 people) were mostly one-liners from guys who couldn't resist making a wisecrack. Meanwhile, the longer responses seem to prove once and for all that many people who answer online personal ads have only one purpose in mind… to tell another person more about themselves than anyone would want to know! Oddly, Goth Girl prides herself on being a paragon of unconventionality, but she received several replies from very conventional male jocks -- the kind of people she'd prefer to sacrifice on some sort of altar before she'd consider dating them. Because this was one of the most colorful ads that we posted, it garnered some replies that are equally as imaginative. Even one from another bisexual girl who just had to write to discuss the fine qualities of two male friends…

Responses

Hi ;
well, I am impressed that there is a female version of me, albeit a bit younger
I wont hold it against myself that I didnt figure me out til I was like 28 but what the hell at least we arrived at the same place. Firstly, not that I am the great sexual god of all time although what ever I do I try to be as good as I can be, I wouldnt even think about dating a girl who wasnt bisexual because I believe what you believe , about everyones sexuality. It is a freedom of expression and individuality and my beef with most adults is they are all oppressed into believeing when you get older you have to stop living. My childhood, meant freedom to me, and I was afraid that when I grew up I would have to adhere to the wills and demands of society, but I quickly realized that I really didnt , and so I am very different from any other adult I have ever met, and it looks like you are gonna be one of those too. (): Welcome to my club. You have a magnificant way of wanting to express your freedom without the inhibitions so many people have . Your magnificant and I would love to be your friend even if I never kissed you, romanced you or lusted you, it would be a positive life experience. I as well would free you even more if thats possible.
(: I do what I want, when I want, how I want and try not to interefere with anyone
elses space. Some people look at me as if I am weird because I love the same things now as when I was a wild teenager. I havent let society change my venue or taSTE. I love animals and music , and am very involved with both in many different unique sucessfull businessess all of which I created. I have a very fertile open mind and am eagerly ready to accept all. I love life and I take advantage of it every day. I hope you dont pass up the opportunity for us to at least talk a bit you will find me, at the very least , interesting. I passed on the object of looks as being important after I ended a 2 year relationship with a beautiful model, and although she was bruilliant and cool and down to earth, she could not let go of so many of those pre conceived notions about how to live her life. We are still good friends although she really hasnt realized fully that it can never be again , because she isnt really free minded like she likes to thin she is .
You have inspired me that I can actually find a grown up that isnt messed up, by everyone elses willds and rules. God bless you, and dont ever ever change . your the evolution of mankind , or at least a preview.
Lets chat
Anthony

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Wow, I'm practically speechless, having never read something so inappropriate, bold, yet awakening all at once. I hope you don't mind my saying so but besides all that you have said of which I have read you seem normal. Although your interests may diverge from the popular poles your photo galery defies any counterhuman strain. My ways and expressions aren't quite as off the wall (meaning that in the best way) as yours. I'm straight. I work my own business, love art, drawing, sketching, designing, splurging on LP's, following animal tracks in the snow. Check out my profile. It's not terribly mainstream, so you might be interested, either way please RSVP. I'm very interested in hearing more of what you have to say. Seriously and Sincerely, Wesley.

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Ok, your definately different but than again so am I.You look really different
in all your pictures.Is that always you.You must be ever changing and
evolving.I'm an artist ,too.I'm an actor.I do TV to make money.But I do other
things ,too.
Christo is cool.He works on a huge scale.Very fun stuff.Do you pant people-I
mean there bodies- I like that stuff.You sound very interesting.Art is a great
place for inspiration.So is sex.
Your bi,huh.I admit,that is exciting.I can be pretty adventurous,too.I suppose
a hot goth like yourself knows a thing or two about Kink!Maybe you could put me
in my place or maybe I'd could turn the tables on you.Why don't we get together
and make some hot erotic art?OOPS! Did I get ahead of myself?
Anyway you look great and definately not boring.So lets talk.Maybe we can go
on some adventure soon.

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Hi GothGirl,

I was very intrigued by what you said You probably got 100s of messages.I live in downtown Manhattan South of Wash Sq. Park. It would be great to get together for a drink with you.Somehow this email reminds me of whales each whale gives off their own particular sound and they hope another whale will hear it. Otto
What did you do last weekend?

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Dear Goth

Greetings from northern CA. I know this is likely the most left field e-mail you will see on here, but I have a nice guy friend from
Bennington College who lives in Scarsdale NY. He may not be Goth, but I know he spent a few weeks working for Christo the year before he died (was the Island
Project I recall) My friend (Joe) was also on a dating service but I think he bagged his profile as I think he said there were too many players. I told him I would try to prove him wrong. Unfortunately, he does not have his profile showing but I did manage to download what he said as well as his pics. One thing, he is 41 but you would not know it just from being with him. As I am also bi, he can relate to it without being an asshole. (Do not tell me you have not yet received an offer for a three some)If you want me to tell you more, just say so. He is one of the rare catches you will find. And besides, he is a lot of fun.

Rachael

7) Wordsmith

Tree Hugger

My age: 30
I am a: Woman
Looking for: man
Home: Suffern, New York
Hair: Black Eyes: Green

Height: 5 feet 9 inches / 170.1 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English, French

Ethnicity: Black / African American

Religion: No Answer

Education: Some College

Occupation: Other

Smoker: NO!

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Never walked down the aisle
Seeking: Long term relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Porsche
Celebrity I resemble: Rachael True

Favorite food: Waffles

Do I want Children: YES!

Her description:

Thanks for reading my profile. Words are very important to me; I’m a proofreader for a small southwestern NY phone book company. It’s amazing what kind of mistakes printers make, such as one instance where the words “Pootly Nautch” were substituted for “We’re open until 8PM” in a pizza restaurant yellow pages ad. I got into this line of work because I loved words as a little girl and I pasted all sorts of words all over my room. One of my heroes is Steven Vincent Benet, or his brother Billy Rose Benet. I must admit that the career I chose doesn’t pay very well; so to earn extra money I raise Bonsai trees in my basement. It’s amazing that you can stunt the growth of just about any tree by pruning them in the right spots. One of my best sellers is the Bonsai apple tree that bear fruit about the size of a green pea. Believe you me, it takes about 1,000 of these tiny balls to make a really good apple pie.

Her ideal mate would be:

I’m looking for someone to share my love for words, so no poor spellers please! Maybe someone that can help with my hobby of raising small trees for profit would be nice too. It’s a lot of work for one person to carry the seventy trees that are in my basement up to my backyard to get sun every other day, weather permitting. Yes, someday I do want children, and I realize that I will have to give up my fondness of horticulture to be a good mother. But I will never give up my love for words, so I hope that the perfect man will understand. Also please know what ‘garaticulating’ means.

This enterprising Wordsmith received a higher percentage of sympathetic responses than any of our other profiles – out of 3000 people who read the ad, 500 responded. Apparently, guys take pity on the quiet shy, brainiac type, or maybe they think she's so readily available that she'll overlook their own flaws. We wondered if anyone would realize how unlikely it is to grow apples on bonsai trees -- but that didn't seem to be a problem. Maybe Wordsmith is just so downright earnest that her suitors felt foolish calling her on it. They did, however, fall into one trap we set for them. ‘Garaticulating’ is a made-up word inserted into the profile to drive the sincere guys crazy as they searched for it in their Webster's…

Responses

Greetings from Vermont
Map unchecked for the distance
Risking a hello

OK, so I like haiku... I also do some writing on the side. I enjoy writing
fiery letters to the editor, and have been published locally four times since I
moved here in 2001. I also have some essays up on line! :) And I was 40,000
words into the "great american (vampire) novel" when I realized it needed to be
completely redone! *sob*

Hope to hear from you!

Albert

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People say relationships are hard work, but I didn't know they meant hauling 70 trees up and down every other day. It's a unique interpretation. Anyway. I honestly have no idea whether we'd be right for each other or not, but you sound interesting. Plus, I can't find "garaticulating" in either the Webster's New World, American Heritage or Google. So even if you're not interested, maybe you could satisfy my curiosity. Is it horticulture related?
Best wishes, in any event,

James

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Hi!

Words are important to me too. 2 other people and I are writing a book that should be coming out soon. And if all goes well it should be nearly as exciting as those phone books you've been proofreading. (It's an investment book that's kind of heavy on statistics.)

Hard for me to know much about you because some of your info isn't materializing on my screen. But from what I can tell you seem kind of wacky and fun and have some of the same aspirations I do. And you like cats.

Got to hop! Hope to hear from you soon!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frenzied sprint to merriam-webster ..unabridged (no less), produced nothing, "nada," "zilch," "zippo," for "garaticulating." if you are correct and word gets out, the academy will be rocked to its very foundations (it's already teetering precariously). suffer[n][ing]; we (or at least this wordsmith) await clarification with bated breath (or "braided baths," depending on your point of view). as for your horticultural bent, better hysterical japanese loosing cries of "bonsai" instead of "banzai." here's to billy rose, and better yet, sj perelman.

The End!

One of the deadliest....

2008-04-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have written before about losing my mom to cancer, and two of my friends. One of them never made it out of her twenties when she was struck down by this deadly disease.

So I’ve made it a steady practice over the years to donate to The American Cancer Society. You cannot fathom what a family goes through until you are thrust into that situation. I wish I could thank the countless doctors, nurses, hospice volunteers that made my mom’s last days here on Earth a little more comfortable, and the hospice people get an extra tip of the hat because they made my mother smile and laugh when she was in severe pain the last few days of her life. I never realized until after her death, how many people it takes to keep one person alive, not only in the medical profession, but from the countless blood donors who selflessly gave of their own blood with the hope that they would be helping a fellow human being. Even to the 5 (yes count them FIVE) part time people who drove my mother to and from appointments when one of our family could not.

So Relay events come and go. I always seem to have some ‘excuse’ for not walking. But this year I’m doing something about it! I joined Loretta’s team…… here is my page.

A surprise......

2008-04-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

The other day I walked around the corner of my house and this is what I saw. Thankfully I had my cell phone in my pocket.

My son Tim playing the riff for "Beat It" on his acoustic guitar. Cool kid. Wish I thought to turn on the video.

"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones."

2008-03-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I watched the movie “Capote’ again. I got to thinking afterwards that we are being robbed of some culture by this villain called The Internet.

I think people socialized in person more back then. I think that artists hung around more with other artists. I think the internet isolates some of us while we are working writing, we might miss out on a chance to help out fellow artists, and possibly mentor another Capote. Remember, Capote’s genius was self taught, he vowed he would never set foot into a classroom as a student, yet his writings were brilliant. Breakfast At Tiffany’s anyone?

Anyway- rant over. The internet is great for instant gratification, but I would love to be in a room full of great and even not so great writers to feed off their energy and.. well.. egos.

Oh- and the headline quote is Capote's.

I have a friend.......

2008-03-24T13:31:00.000-07:00

I have a friend. I have never met her in real life, but I have a great admiration for her. She gives of herself effortlessly to her ‘cause’ the American Cancer Society.

She is one of the most unselfish people I have ever come in contact with. Whenever she receives a gift, she thinks of ACS, she has the most dedication, compassion and energy I have ever come across. And there is good reason for this.

Cancer knows no boundaries, doesn’t discriminate and isn’t bigoted. It doesn’t recognize gender, age or location. It will find you no matter if you are healthy, out of shape, exercise regularly, attack if you eat salad or hamburgers as a steady diet. I know of 60 year old people suffering, and I had a close friend die of cancer when he was 28. Cancer can strike your husband, wife, boy/girl friend, father, mother, grandparents, brother, sister, close friend ANYONE! It can find even you my friends, it’s a devious disease.

My mother died from cancer. It was painful to her. I watched as she writhed in pain her last few days of life, the doctors unable to do anything, even ease her pain. If you ever witness this, it will change your life forever, as it has for me and my virtual friend Loretta. It pains me to think, even 10 years after she died, what my mother endured, and it pains me and hurts my heart to think people still have to deal with this.

This is why I’m jumping on this particular bandwagon. I have always tried to do my part to help out things I believe in, but I’m making the tenth year of my mom’s death a special year, I am going to try and dedicate as much time and effort into cancer research and fundraising, for future people like my mom, and even more so, future generations who might not have to endure such hardships.

I’m going to include links to her MySpace page, it has all the information you need to know about her team and her goals. She is even having a neat T-shirt design contest. It’s in Albany, New York, June 13^th and I’m begging everyone in the area to attend and come up and walk with us. I am driving up from Connecticut to walk. It’s going to be FUN! If you’ve never attended an ACS walk before, let me tell you they are events that will be remembered for a long time. So even if you know of no one who has ever had cancer, just remember it can strike whenever it wants to. I’m going to go one step further, and if you are in the area, and want to attend and don’t have transportation to and from the event in June, I will volunteer, at no cost to you, rides to all who want to attend. I promise! Just open a dialog with me and we’ll work something out!

Here is the link to her page.

Why I love chick flicks!

2008-03-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

It’s no secret that I like romantic movies, “Chick Flicks” as they are known in many circles. One of my favorite things to do is wake up early in the morning, while the sun is still sleeping, and I watch a few chick flicks.

Since I work mostly at night, I find certain sadness at night. Maybe that’s why I like watching movies alone in the dark. While I am driving along, sometimes on the same street, I see lights in houses going on and some turning off. Perhaps those lights going off belong to a computer gamer, who just topped his high score, now going to bed. Or maybe a writer who just found the right words or turn of phrase to make his readers cry, laugh or think.

I’d like to think that those lights flickering into life belong to someone rising early, much like me, who feeds the wheels of life’s ‘machine,’ getting up to make muffins for the masses. The lights might belong to a young couple waking to check on their sick infant, worried if the child is alright.

But the saddest things I see at night are the people, especially the ones that patronize coffee shops and convenience stores where I have to deliver to. The dejected faces of half drunk bar patrons going home to their little homes, unhappy with their lives. The pitiful faces of retired graveyard shift workers, up now because they have spent a lifetime reprogramming their biorhythms into being up all night and even now they can’t sleep during the day like the rest of the world does. These elderly people are usually nursing a coffee and eagerly await the next person they can recite the story of “The Great Forklift Accident of 1975” to.

But chick flicks wring my emotions more than all of these people, whether their situations are imagined by me or not, combined. I’d like to think it’s the romantic in me who likes to see the people on the screen enjoying a first kiss, their souls dancing together for the first time. They are locked in that special embrace, before (or sometimes oblivious to) the day to day mechanics of the relationship.

For example, at the end of ‘You’ve Got Mail, are Joe and Kathleen really thinking about who is going to pick up the dry cleaning in the future, or who is going to drive to their weekend getaway in the Catskills? Is Kathleen really upset about Joe’s snoring keeping her awake at night? No! That’s why the line “Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?” leading up to “I was hoping it was you,” sent me running to the tissue box every time I watch the movie.

And another example; does in Ana in ‘Notting Hill’ put any thought into what their lives would REALLY be like when she tells William, “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” *sniff sniff* I get choked up at this one too.

So this is why I love chick flicks. The writers/directors prove to me in two hours or less that age, culture, social status, death (as in Ghost), or time (watch Love Letter) that people will find each no matter how weird, normal, or outrageous the situation is. The movies provide a snapshot what’s really in my heart and not in my head. Because according to these movies, the pesky mechanical details of a relationship will work themselves out, even when money is tight, a ghost lover points you in the direction of a person living who is worthy of your love, even the awkwardness of sex will work out. And not just the awkwardness of first time sex, even after 5 years in a relationship sometimes sex is awkward at times.

Do how do you feel about chick flicks?

Neat movie idea!

2008-03-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

I had this idea for a movie this morning while tossing and turning in bed.... it's movie about the adult lives of the Peanuts gang.

Here's the synopsis:

We find out that Charlie Brown, while still in college, develops a computer operating system that makes him one of the wealthiest guys on the planet. Lucy, of course, latches on to him, and marries him to satisfy her “princess” syndrome, starts calling him Charles, and poor old Mr. Brown becomes a henpecked husband.

Meanwhile we learn the Peppermint Patty is a lesbian, she had a passionate affair with the Little Red-Haired Girl for two years while they were still in their 20s. Patty broke it off, realizing her first love was Marcie, and the Little Red-Haired Girl became so confused about her sexuality, she became a top rated porn star, much to the dismay (and delight) of Charles Brown.

Sally was seduced while still in high school by a devious Peppermint Patty, and she found strength in the arms of Franklin. They married soon after and had 11 children and operate a string of bed and breakfasts based in New Hampshire, Vermont and upstate New York, all financed of course by her big brother Charles.

Linus became a famous author noted mostly for his ‘shoot from the hip’ type of self-help advice. Sadly, while fixing millions of people all over the world, he couldn’t make himself happy and killed himself when he was just 31 years old, leaving his little brother Rerun to manage his estate.

Schroeder lost interest in his piano in his teens, and turned to football, something he excelled at. He was a first round draft choice while still a freshman in college and was snatched up by the Dallas Cowboys when he was just 21. In the team’s Superbowl outing 7 years ago, the Cowboys trailing by 3 points, 1 minute to go in the game, his offensive line pushed towards the goal with his famous ground game. At the two yard line he was sacked way back at the 50 yard line, so at 4th down with 50 yards to go he chose to run the ball in himself, and he scored the winning touchdown, giving way to the famous phrase, “At the last minute Schroeder can do it!” ®© This famous tag line has been used to sell everything from airline tickets to baby pacifiers, and it is owned and available to license by his good friend Charles Brown. It was during this movie, that we find out that Schroeder’s real first name was Henry, and he was the 8th man in his family named Henry. With his good looks, sporting ability and money, he blew through Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders like they were cheap hookers, eventually marrying 6 of them. Retired from sports at the age of 41, he keeps himself busy having hip replacement surgeries (he’s on his 15th right hip) and getting back to his younger day interest in the piano, penning hit songs for singers like Whitney Houston, LeAnne Rimes, Michael Bublé, and penned the tender father/daughter duet by Rod and Kimberly Stewart; “You’re Killing Me With Your Antics, Act Your Age Already!”

Pigpen became a sharp-witted stand up comedian, gaining international fame while still a teen. He went on to host many TV game and reality shows, and he had a ‘hobby’ of buying car dealerships ending up with a meglo-maniac’s dream of owning 129 dealerships. He became even better known by his string of commercials and roadside billboards hawking: “Would YOU buy a car from this man? Of COURSE you would and WILL!”

Snoopy, having failed as a novelist, became a famous circus performer specializing in balancing acts. All those years sleeping on his dog house peak apparently paid off. We also find out that Woodstock was really a female bird. Snoopy and Woodstock’s pictures were splashed all over the tabloids when it was reported that they had a kinky cross-species sexual relationship going on. They perished in a plane crash off the coast of Alaska in a raging mid-winter snowstorm while trying to visit Spike, who went to live there when the story of his brother’s perverse sexual antics forced him into seclusion on the frozen tundra.

By the end of the movie we find out that the MEEK will rule. While signing papers she thought would include her in Charlie’s fortunes, Lucy was in reality signing the most ironclad pre-nup in marriage history. In a few years Lucy would also unknowingly sign divorce papers freeing Charlie (he went back to his childhood name too) to marry his new sweetheart, Oprah Winfrey. Then it was revealed that Oprah was his childhood Pen Pal. Together they were an unstoppable power couple, eventually buying up a slew of items such as China, most of South America (Paraguay is such a holdout) and winning The Orion Star Belt in a friendly wager during a golf game between Charlie and some of his alien business buddies at Yellowstone National Park’s world class golf course.

Heartbroken Lucy retreated to one of her ex-sister-in-law’s bed and breakfasts, (Franklin urged his wife Sally to be nice to her, and he’s such a nice guy!). She settled into the one managed by Peppermint Patty and her now legal wife Marcie (they were in Vermont) and fell in love with both of them becoming the first lesbian tri-ouple.

And that’s the end of the movie!

Weekly music thingy

2008-03-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

Today is music Sunday.. I’m going to plug a few artists this week.

First is Mike Doughty. You might remember him from the group Soul Coughing. His new record, Golden Delicious is fantastic! Fort Hood is one of the most haunting songs yet… BUT! Whenever I hear his voice, I hear him singing “Busting up a Starbucks!” I have him voice-cats!

Second group of note is a group who calls themselves The Teenagers. They sing.. well… light porn songs, but damn they’re hooky songs! The album is Reality Check, check it out.

Then there is Jo Davidson. Nothing new for her on the horizon, at least nothing I heard, but her piano playing is great and I love most of her songs. “Red Crayon” and “All the World’s Religions,” are favorites of mine, but “Reflection” has a calming feeling to it, sometimes I loop it over and over again when I’m trying to think. I think her Capitol/Edel-America release is out of print, but you can still find her tunes on I-Tunes.

My New York Age

2008-03-04T12:23:00.001-08:00

I just took this quiz.... not bad for a 50 year old, heh?

My New York age is "25"

What's your New York age? Take the Time Out New York quiz and find out!

This wacky internet!

2008-03-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

I’m going to suspend the music artist profile for one week and I’m going to write about this crazy thing we call the Internet.

The World Wide Web has brought people closer, made us friends where we probably wouldn’t have made them, and gave people access to other people that might never have happened before. What inspired me today is a piece of rubbish that fell to the floor and who was behind this idea and identity of mine.

You might be wondering what the logo is for. I wanted to start a recording label about 8 years ago and needed an identity. So I sketched up what I had in mind, scanned it into a JPEG image and found a graphic design person and told her what I wanted. It took her just tow tries to ‘read’ my mind, but I think the end design is perfect. I had business cards made up, mugs, tote bags t-shirts, I got my mileage out of my $300 investment.

My record label never took off, and yesterday I was moving some stuff around and a dirty old business card fell to the floor. I picked it up, admired the logo again and couldn’t even remember who did the logo. So I looked in my records and found out a Juliet Blackwell designed my logo.

I wondered if she ever wondered about me and what became of her design. Perhaps she has spotted it somewhere on the Internet (I use it a lot still as avatars) and been proud of her design. I can’t find out any more about her, and if I remember correctly (C’mon it was 8 years ago!) she was from the Boston area.

So here’s a little tribute to someone who’s made a huge impact on my life, from an email conversation and a JPEG attachment, and to someone I’ve never spoken to in ‘real’ life and probably never will.

I’ve also sold stories on the Internet, something that wouldn’t have been possible before, but that’s another story for another time.

Wacky thing this Internet!

This week's artist... Kate Rusby!

2008-02-24T13:41:00.000-08:00

This week’s artist of the week is Kate Rusby.

I have never been a folky fan, but am a longtime fan of Kate’s dating waaaaayyy back to her first solo record. I think because she is so talented and picks and writes such bright tunes to record, is why I like her music.

Unfortunately, I think her music took a nosedive after her marriage to her producer, John McCusker. It started with her record, “Little Lights.” Understandable in Kate’s defense, when her marriage began to fail, so did her recordings, and I didn’t like at all “The Girl Who Couldn’t Fly.”

But after a healing absence, she took over the reigns of her records herself, and came back with last year’s “Awkward Annie,” which I think is gold…. Kate’s back and I’m glad to be her fan again.

Weird car names----

2008-02-18T12:55:00.001-08:00

The Mazda Laputa derivates from the book Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift. Similarly to the Nissan Moco and the Mitsubishi Pajero, the name is fortuitously unfit for Spanish-speaking countries, since "la puta" in Spanish means literally "the whore" ("moco means "snot" or "booger" and "pajero" may be understood as "wanker").

This week's musician is.....

2008-02-17T05:28:00.000-08:00

This week’s artist is called Coconut Records. Nope it’s NOT a compilation; it’s the musical alter ego of actor Jason Schwartzman. You might recognize his name from “Shop girl,” “I ♥ Huckabees,” “Rushmore” amongst others. BUT! He was also the drummer for the group Phantom Planet, and their biggest claim to fame is that they recorded the theme song for the TV show ‘The OC.’

Jason has recorded throughout his acting years, and a friend convinced him to release his work in 2007. First the record was just released on I-Tunes, but now Jason has released the record on his own Young Baby records.

I like it, it’s different and I urge anyone with any kind of musical curiosity to check it out.

Yes I'm a car guy.. or wanna ride in my Rolls?

2008-02-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

I’m a car guy. I have a favorite make of car, and they are quite expensive:

Yes I love Mercedes-Benzes (I own two) but my weakness is Rolls Royces. I love the style that was made from 1968-1980, these being some primes examples.

Funny most people never will even ride in one in their lifetime, yet I have driven two. The first was a ’59 when I worked in a garage, and the second I drove belonged to one of my celebrity bosses during my younger years in the 1970s. Hers was a 1973, I think, and I used it to all sorts of errands for my boss. So my love for these started.

I vowed to myself that I would own one someday, and I had the opportunity to purchase two in a package deal about 8 years ago, but I passed, and I regret it now.

Recently, my brother started a used car dealership and through trades and some stowage I did for him, I might score this one for free. Keeping my fingers crossed all the time, because this one is a 1978 Silver Wraith, the most desirable model.

The Wraith was 4 inches longer than its sibling the Silver Shadow, and had a vinyl top, which are the most obvious differences between the two cars.

A new Rolls sells for $250,000 and UP! I think even if I had that kind of cash to spend on a car, I wouldn’t buy one, I could use that kind of money to help out a lot of unfortunate people. But a used one is in my price range and why not…. I think owning one shows taste.

V-Day!

2008-02-13T17:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so have a happy Valentines Day, and here’s something from me to you.

My old dreams

2008-02-13T17:40:00.000-08:00

I love old churches.

The smells, the old wood etc. are the things that pull my heart strings. My dad was a Protestant minister, and I was always getting dragged out to his buddy’s churches, and I developed a love for the old buildings. While I’m not overly religious (let’s just say I’m spiritual and not into organized religion), I still have an affection for the old buildings.

A few years ago in a quaint village near my house in Northwestern Connecticut, an old Episcopal Church came on the market for sale. I couldn’t afford to buy it, but I though it would have been really cool to have my writing office in the old church and live in part of it. Maybe someday…..

New Sunday music feature!

2008-02-10T12:49:00.000-08:00

I'm starting a NEW Sunday feature. On Sundays I'm going to spotlight musical artists that I think are great. So if you guys need some new stuff to listen to, try these artists on for size. For the initial installment of this I'm going to feature a group called Koop. I found their song "Come to Me" on a Grey's Anatomy CD. This is from their MySpace page:

Koop is Magnus Zingmark & Oscar Simonsson.
When listening to Koops music it's somehow easy to believe that it's played by a small orchestra, but in fact the music is based on samples. Thousands of small clips from records puzzled together into new songs. All the drums, strings, horn sections and choires are actually sampled! This is a very time consuming way to make music (it's one of the reasons it takes such long time to make a koop album), but it's the only way to create the surreal Koop sound. One thing though, that for sure aren't sampled, is the vocals. Many singers has blessed the Koop albums with their talent, and on Koop Islands the singers are : Yukimi Nagano, Ane Brun, Hilde Louise Asbjornsen, Rob Gallagher and Mikael Sundin. Some fine musicians has also participated on the album playing solos, percussion and bass. Those are : Mattias Ståhl, Magnus Lindgren, Karl Frid, Nils Berg, Martin Höper, Ola Bothzén, Dan Berglund and Mats Lindfors. When playing live Koop transforms into a 7-9 piece swing orchestra including one or two singers, and the main mission is to make people move their feet. The line-up may vary from time to time so if you are looking for the personel on a specific concert please dont hesitate to drop a message. Koop themselves play piano/accordion (Oscar), sampler (Magnus), and wear dresses.

TV in a kindler, gentler time.

2008-02-03T11:29:00.000-08:00

Agony of De Feet

2008-01-31T10:19:00.000-08:00

Okay so I have a shoe fetish. What other heterosexual guy will admit that? But mine is for a certain brand of shoes, Chuck Taylors. No I’m not getting any money from this endorsement (although Converse, I will take some).

I own several pairs, including the ones on my tootsies down at the bottom of this page. I’ve got a rare pair from the UK only offered over there… But I’m itching to buy another pair and maybe ya’all can help me pick. These are on my wish list-

Cool aye? I have the crosswords puzzle shoes so why not these two pairs..

Too feminine? I do like the texture, sort of a knitted cap for your feet.

I’m a tye-dyed kind of guy. These would be great for the spring.

Here is a custom pair I would love to own, plus it’s an inspi(red) so if I buy these, some of the monies will go to a great cause.

I wish I can upload an image to be printed on the shoe. That would be really cool. I’d LOVE to get my record company logo on a shoe.

That would be way, way cooler. The only way that I think this can be done is to have a few tote bags printed over at Cafepress.com and then use that material to make the custom Chucks out of. A local cobbler quoted me a price of $150 to do the job, plus the price of the tote bags and shoes. YIKES! That’s awfully steep for a custom pair of shoes.

Anyone need a driver?

2008-01-28T13:00:00.000-08:00

I have to make money; I can’t live on my foolishness, so here’s what I do for a ‘real’ job.

Yes this is a picture of my truck. I drive a truck and deliver milk for the main portion of my money, and I write and publish stuff mostly for fun and it buys a pizza every couple of months.

I was thinking of ways to earn more money. I’ve driven professionally for over 22 years, and mostly big trucks and I worked for a major pizza chain and my routes were in New York City and Boston. So if I can drive a big truck around Manhattan, I can drive anything anywhere.

I want extra cash. I want to produce two little low budget films I wrote and was thinking I could use one of my talents to help the other by starting a custom livery service. Since I live in Connecticut, half way between Boston and New York, I could offer my car and driving expertise for people who don’t have a car, or just don’t feel like driving out of the city.

I have no clue what to charge. I love New York, and I’d chauffer people back and forth to CT, upstate NY and wherever for probably just a nice lunch and gas money….. which defeats my money making purpose, but I’ll bet I could meet a lot of interesting people this way!

Variety Magazine ad............

2008-01-24T13:45:00.000-08:00

I should put this ad in Variety Magazine:

~Public service announcement~

A scene from the TV show Happy Days:

“Joan, Richie, we’re very sorry but your older brother has been killed in a horrible scriptwriting accident.”

What happened to the oldest Cunningham sibling?

On the TV series Seinfeld; George mentions an older brother and Jerry states he has a sister.

Why were these people mentioned and never cast?

Actors! Actresses! Please stand up for these small uncast roles.

Befriend producers! Go to production meetings!

Make TV producers and writers aware that the viewing public is easily confused, and they might wonder:

What would Jerry’s sister and George’s brother think about them landing in jail in the final episode of Seinfeld? Could they have helped them out a little more?

Would have the oldest Cunningham sibling really loved Chachi?

You as actors must carry a responsibility to these honorably mentioned, but forgotten about roles. Today’s uncast roles are tomorrow’s Joey Tribbiani!

Call today! Email today!

Do your parts in helping uncast mentions become roles for your fellow actors.

Thank you for your support.

My Best Friend is Dead.

2008-01-21T08:18:00.001-08:00

My best friend died a week ago today. We didn’t go out to the movies together, we didn’t go out at all, because my best friend was my cat.

Before anyone thinks I’ve gone ‘off my trolley,’ let me tell you the story of my little buddy.

About 12 years ago my house was catless and being overrun with mice. I tried everything possible to rid the house of the problem, but the only time the problem was under control is when I had a cat. One of my friends worked for a vet’s office and was always trying to get me to adopt cats that were brought in to be destroyed, their owners distraught over their decision, whatever the reason, to get rid of their beloved pets. So they always told my friend; “If you can find a good home…”

The first cat she brought over was Celeste. Celeste was a house-bound cat and had no intentions of going outside at all. I called her a ‘defective mouser,’ and pleaded with my friend for another cat to ease my mouse burden. Incidentally, I still have Celeste, and she had never caught a mouse in the 12 years she’s been here.

The next cat she brought over was this orange tabby cat by the name of Tigger. I thought that Tigger was a clichéd name for a tabby, so I wracked my brain for a fitting name for this cat. His first night in my house was a nightmare. He attacked my legs in bed, howled all night and acted if he was going to scratch my eyes out, given the proper moment. Tigger’s previous owner was an old lady who had to go into a rest home and couldn’t take her beloved cat with her, and after that first night, I couldn’t possibly believe why this cat was beloved. I almost called my friend the next day to take him back, but I figured I would give a few days to settle in and I’m glad I did.

I am a huge Seinfeld fan, and the way he acted that first couple of days he lived with me, reminded me of the George Costanza character on that show. So I called him George. The name never took, and he became a hyphenated, Tigger-George for the rest of his life.

Tigger-George wasn’t much of a mouser, but when he was around he would walk up and want to be petted. Even outside, he was a loveable sort of goofy cat, full of life and personality, and would love to be carried around in my arms, because I was the one he took to. We bonded while he helped me change the oil in my cars, was next to me while I sat outside reading and relaxing. In the winter months, I always knew when it was cold outside, he would want to be let out, and if it was too cold, he turned around and made a beeline back indoors, so I coined the name “Catmometer” to describe to people how cold it was at my house. “My Catmometer made it 5 feet out before he decided it was too cold, so it’s COLD today,” would be my response. If Tigger-George made it 15 feet out, it wasn’t so cold and if he stayed out, well, that was a warm day.

I live in a really rural, wooded area, and I had Tigger-George about 4-5 years when a pack of coyotes made a den in the woods behind my house. Coyotes will swipe cats for food, so I worried about Tigger-George’s well being, and when he didn’t come home for a week, I thought I lost him. When he returned, I made the decision to keep him in as an indoor cat. He rushed the door to go outside for about a week, and then he consigned himself to the fact that he didn’t go outside anymore and took his newfound incarceration in stride.

But after this is when he and I really bonded. He seemed to have a sense of when I was upset and he would come over and crawl up in my lap and purr in my ear to try and soothe me. This cat helped me through some really rough times and some personal disasters with his comfort, and I shed more tears into his orange coat than I dare to admit. Tigger-George always had a way of knowing when I needed him, even if it was something stupidly self-imposed like watching a sad ‘chick-flick’ at 3 am and me bawling my eyes out. This cat was always there for me. When I would talk to him, he had a way of looking in my eyes and curling one of his front paws around, in such a way I was sure he was doing this as a way of communication to me that he knew I was there, and needed him. I talked to this cat about women, lack of women, career paths and everything else that and I believe this little cat gave me big courage to face life.

In the past year and a half, his heath started to decline. He started losing teeth and my vet estimated his age anywhere between 18-20 years old, very elderly for a cat. He had a few strokes, he writhed around for about ten minutes one day and the vet said that he was old and this was to be expected. In that same year and half time period, the only food he could eat was baby food, newborn meats to be exact. I befuddled many a grocery store checkout person by the 20-30 jars of Beech-Nut food I would buy at one time. I would get remarks like: “Is this YOUR child? How YOUNG is your baby’s mom?” So at each grocery store I would have a little fun. At one store I made up the story that I impregnated a 23 year old at a party and now was buying our child his food (I’m 50). At another store I used the story that my wife was 47 and this was our first and did the women have any advice for an older couple just starting on the road to parenthood? So even outside of my home, Tigger-George was present in my everyday life, and his aging provided me with all sorts of fun at the food marts.

My father was a Protestant minister, so I had religion shoveled down my throat since I was a young boy, and that’s the main reason I don’t believe in organized religion of any sort, but I do believe that there is a higher spirit that guides us all. Angels? Perhaps. If there is such a thing as angels, perhaps they take on many different forms and maybe, just maybe Tigger-George was an angel sent to me to be with me during this rough period of my life. In the past ten years or so, being around this cat, holding him and feeling his ‘power’ gave me the providence I needed to make some very tough decisions.

Last weekend Tigger-George stopped eating and his eyes grew distant and glazed. I knew the end was near. I held him and told him that if he needed to go somewhere else I understood. He spent last Saturday and wobbling weakly around, laying in front of the heaters and just staring off into nowhere. Before I left for work last Monday, I reached down and petted him and told him goodbye, and he responded by moving his front paws, much the way he did when he was telling me he understood what I was saying. At 2:30 PM he passed. My mother passed away ten years ago, my father died 32 years ago and I don’t ever remember grieving as much for them as I did for my little orange cat.

Goodbye Tiggy… I miss you, and you will be in my heart forever.

My last will and testament.

2008-01-20T07:50:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who is obsessing over what she should wear to her uncle’s funeral. Should she wear a short black dress? A long one? A black suit? So I was thinking…..

I’m going to amend my will and state in it that I want everyone to wear Hawaiian shirts to my wake and funeral, jeans and sneakers too. I will have bouncers at the door, and if people don’t meet my dress code they are not allowed in. Hey it’s my funeral, right?

It’s funny how some people will never listen to you in life, but after you are gone they respect your wishes. Why? So that’s why I want a funeral party. So in addition to the mortuary, I’m going to request a party planner as well. If I have any cash left, I’d like to have a scavenger hunt. I could have envelopes hidden all over the place with cash inside, and having people find the envelopes will be my last great fun before going on to whatever.

Author! Author!

2008-01-13T10:54:00.001-08:00

So I like words. And books. Here are a few of my favorites. I’m NOT giving away any plots or anything.

I love this book. This is one of those feel good stories that I like just as I like ‘chick flicks’ over action movies. I don’t quite remember how Cathy found me, but we emailed each other for a while before she told me about the two novels she had written. So I set off to find them and they are both out of print, and I turned to Ebay to purchase the books. Her first, “Wise Guys In Love” was okay, but “Bank Robbers” is GREAT! Both were optioned for scripts, but neither screenplay was ever produced. On a very nice and not to warm spring day a few years ago, I had lunch with Cathy and she told me her tale of woe and why “Bank Robbers” was never even promoted by the publisher. I’ll spare you her story, but we had a great lunch, a great walk, and I had a promise of a biking partner in Manhattan. Soon after our lunch, Cathy was in a terrible accident and can’t pedal a bike anymore, so that idea went out the window.

Oh yeah, the book. This WAS my favorite book until.. (see below). I felt badly that this book wasn’t promoted fairly, so I bought every copy I could get my hands on and sent them all over the world. I think I must have given away 200 plus copies as far away as the UK. I hope others will read the book and pressure St. Martins (or any other publisher) to re-release the book with the backing it deserves. If you want an easy feel great story, try and find one.. I still have five copies left…. Hahahahahaha.

This guy knows how to craft a short story. This is collection of shorts, that’s all he writes. While everyone was telling me to get aboard the Terry Pratchett bandwagon, I chose to read Howard instead. Besides, Pratchett’s books are all interwoven together, and from what I hear, you can read one and still understand the stories, but to get the whole picture, you must read everyone from the beginning. I’m too busy for those games. The only one I WILL read in series is Salinger. More about HIM later too.

Okay so she is NOT paying me to plug this. I bought this book last autumn, and have read it FOUR times already. This is my new favorite book, sorry Cathy. While Cathy paints a picture with her writing that tells a story, Karyn has her character make references to all times in recent pop culture. And THAT is what makes this book GREAT in my opinion. To weave all of this into a story is quite ingenious, I think. This is also a feel great book in the vain of “Bank Robbers” and chick flicks, but I love to feel the way I do when I read books such as this one and watch ‘chick flicks.’ So there!

Salinger. What can I say? I don’t have a favorite book by him, I just love his whole body of work. Did you know that every story that he wrote relates to another in some way? I recently read a short story written way after “Catcher in the Rye” and the story was told first person by a military soldier. He was grief stricken because his younger brother was MIA during a battle, and at the end of the story you find out the narrator is Holden’s older brother and Holden is the soldier MIA. He references their sister and parents living in Manhattan. But it is genius storytelling to make his whole body of work, whether it be the Caufields, or The Glass family.. point to each other in some sort of story orbit. If I was to ever take up stalking people, Mr. Salinger would be my first victim.. I’m kidding of course.

So what kind of books do YOU read and enjoy?

Good-bye crab lice

2008-01-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I read that the crab louse is endangered. And I should be concerned, why? This little mite has been a nuisance for centuries and someone is boo-hooing that it might be wiped out forever. The reason for its demise is that people are keeping their downstairs regions clean and more and more people than ever are trimming their south pole’s foliage.

I say good riddance! Is someone going to be sad when cancer is wiped out? I realize that Earth has a precious eco-balance and every living thing has a job, but other than causing pain, discomfort and embarrassment to its hosts, I don’t see a job assigned to crab lice. So bye-bye baby!

I have a question. If the plural of mouse is mice, louse is lice, then why isn’t the plural of house hice? I wanna know.

More words essential to witers!

2008-01-09T11:27:00.001-08:00

I love words. Second only to books and sorry, women come in third. Maybe music first, films forth and women second? Confused? So am I. I figure with the right amount of words, knowledge of books and films I’ll get lots of beautiful women? Nope!

I’ve made up a few words. One is laryngitical. Yep it’s like laryngitis, but it modifies a pronoun. Used properly, a sentence would read;

“The laryngitical political candidate answered the question about health care reform.”

Meaning he should have kept his mouth shut! The word’s meaning is the opposite of articulate.

Another one of my favorite made up words is garaticulating. I made up this one for a character to want to know its meaning in an unpublished book I wrote years ago.

I’m stymied as to its meaning. I thought it would be a great word to describe the act of talking on the side of the highway.

“Margery and I got a ticket for garaticulating during rush hour.”

But I’m not married to its meaning. How about this meaning: checking your blog every ten seconds to see if anyone has read it? (I don’t but I know people that do.)

“Jim wrote a lame story about his golf swing on his blog and garaticulated it all afternoon.”

This meaning is good: A person’s need to be in the limelight at all costs including that of their sanity.

“Britney Spears garaticulated until everyone could care less.”

My favorite word I didn’t make up is defenestrate. This word means ‘the act of throwing something or someone out a window.’ No lie, if you don’t believe me look it up.

2008-01-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

I came across a ‘find’ on my computer last week and will share them with you. Encarta has a very useful dictionary. About 5 years ago I was searching around in that site and noticed that you could same the word pronunciation sound files. Now they are Flash files and not savable. But I made up some cute little sentences that I saved…. And to share them with you I had to make little movies around the .wav files to upload them so you could hear them… I did this task this morning and here they are:

I stumbled upon this book… “14,000 Things To Be Happy About” by Barbara Kipfer. This book is so simple I was mad at myself for not thinking of writing a book like this one. I got so mad, I bought about 20 copies of the book and gave them out to my writer friends. I also mailed THREE copies to one of my writing partners up near Boston to give out to her friends too. So Barbara, you sold a whole wad of books to me… And if the name doesn’t ring a bell with you, Ms. Kipfer is from my home state of Connecticut and is the current editor of Roget’s Thesaurus. But the book inspired this video:

I was going to put this one as the “out” message on my cell phone but could not figure out how to do it.

We are all familiar with The Flintstones…. When Fred and Barney went to lodge, they all aspired to be the Grand Pooh Bah.. the head guy.. so that inspired this:

This is for the writers.

2008-01-06T11:43:00.000-08:00

Some of my favorite words of the week:

Procrustean: tending to secure conformity to doctrines at any cost; drastic.

Lobstetrics: A branch of veterinary medicine concerned with marine crustaceans.

See how the two words tie together?

Blandana: A boring kerchief.

Clodhopper: a clumsy, stupid person.

Enough said!

My brain...

2008-01-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

A few random thoughts..

When I was little I remember a TV commercial for a product guaranteed to make a woman’s skin dewy soft.

So…… imagine my horror years later when I went to the library and learned about the Dewey Decimal System.

I think the radio spots featuring Tanya Roberts hawking some out of the way resort are boooring! As a matter of fact too boring! I think they are so boring the commercials must have subliminal messages embedded in them. I know after I hear the commercials, I have a sudden urge to rob a 7-11 and send the loot to Jimmy Williams in Omaha, Nebraska.

Just sayin....

Orange signs.. or all signs point to go!

2008-01-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today and wondered who decided to make the speed limit in construction zones 45 miles per hour. Was there a study done? Why 45 MPH? Why not 40?

Did they put up crash dummies to simulate construction workers and make little old ladies drive past them at fast speeds and then gradually slow the blue tinted hair moppets down until they didn’t hit anything?

Did they convene a meeting in a board room somewhere and then throw darts at a wall with different speeds displayed and the winner was 45? Pity the poor workers if someone won the speed 80 MPH!

Or did they just sit around, order lunch, talk about golf and just pick a random speed at the last “productive” moment?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Get yer waders out

2008-01-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

I read today that a couple in Florida went to a clam shack to eat and found a purple pearl in one of their clams. For the expense of a $10 dinner, the pearl could be worth up to $25,000!

Since most clams come from New England area anyway and since I live here, I should take up clamming as my new hobby for 2008! Even if I don’t find that all elusive purple pearl, I could make necklaces and give them to friends. So now everyone knows what they are getting from me for Valentine’s day………….

What to do while driving... or... Hugh lights up my life

2008-01-01T10:30:00.001-08:00

I drive a lot. So I listen to a lot of music on the radio, and even though I find most ‘popular’ stations like a toothache, that is playing the same inane fluff all the time until my head throbs, yet I still listen.

So a few years ago I made up a little game. I replace the word ‘you’ in songs with the name Hugh. Doing this gives a few songs a whole new meaning, let alone the sexuality of Chad Kroger of the group Nickleback. I was tuned to an oldies station and they played the George Harrison’s from the 70s, “You.”

The lyrics to this song are simply:

“I love you.”

He sings that over and over again. I played my little game with that song and I almost had to pull over from laughing so hard, especially when he sings:

“I love. I love. I love, I love, I loooovveee Hugh. Hugh. Hugh. Oh Hugh!

(Apologies to Debbie Boone for this title)

Sunday Madness.

2007-12-30T13:53:00.000-08:00

Does anyone remember those Chrysler cars from the 1980s that would talk to you? Chrysler thought that instead of "idiot" lights that would warn the driver of impending doom, like running out of gas, they would have a voice chip tell the driver in a friendly voice of the impending doom.

I wish that I could buy a CD of these voice chip explanations. It would be cool.

I'm surprised that an inappropriate rapper hasn't looped "Your headlights are on" in regards to.. well.. it's about ladies and that's all I'm sayin'.

My personal favorites are:

"You're low on gas." How does the car know? Should I stop and buy a chimichanga or something?

"The parking brake is engaged." Now who would want to marry a parking brake, a meter maid?

But my all time favorite is:

"A door is ajar." 70s drug flashback time. This guy just told me that a door can be a jar at the same time. Whoa! That's heavy dude.

Art Can Sell

Dear John

The Prize Vault

Wilkesbarrians and biorythms.

~~~Baby needs a new pair of pants~~~

Can't pick your relatives~~~~~~~~

A bird in the hand makes a mess....

She said she was barren~~~as she gave birth to my child~~~

A sad anniversary---

~~~Sex and the street sign~~~

whew!

Ho-ho-ho-hum===

I can't age.

My New York age is "25"

My buddy===

Thanksgivng yearly post====

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmm

Thought of the day---

Retro 50s rewind!

More holidays to celebrate-

---Watts in a name?

Driving my life away-

Garaticulating-

-Smile!-

-Time in a bottle- which is better than time in a brothel

June---

Church for sale---

RE: Creep Factor

I hate crocs!

Creep Factor!

What would you do-- or the real me!

I spied with my little eye----

Films-

A short story and a book excerpt.

One of the deadliest....

A surprise......

"More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones."

I have a friend.......

Why I love chick flicks!

Neat movie idea!

Weekly music thingy

My New York Age

My New York age is "25"

This wacky internet!

This week's artist... Kate Rusby!

Weird car names----

This week's musician is.....

Yes I'm a car guy.. or wanna ride in my Rolls?

V-Day!

My old dreams

New Sunday music feature!

TV in a kindler, gentler time.

Agony of De Feet

Anyone need a driver?

Variety Magazine ad............

My Best Friend is Dead.

My last will and testament.

Author! Author!

Good-bye crab lice

More words essential to witers!

This is for the writers.

My brain...

Orange signs.. or all signs point to go!

Get yer waders out

What to do while driving... or... Hugh lights up my life

Sunday Madness.

~Baby needs a new pair of pants~

She said she was barren~as she gave birth to my child~

~Sex and the street sign~